Irrefutable Proof Of Your Maturity!

Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Six AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "break up."
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed
up."
You're the one calling the police because those kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes
around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good
stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again as long
as I live."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for work.
You drink at home to save money before going to
a bar.
Courtesy: ArcaMax.com

Discovery Of The Century!

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. In the
presence of a tiny amount of Governmentium, a
reaction that would normally take less than a second
can take between four days and four years to
complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six
years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"critical morass."
 
Courtesy: BWJokes

Do U like Satire - Part 3

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Humourus Hearing!

My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail

 

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a old transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none. Makes people talk louder." 

 

During a medical assessment before moving into a retirement home, a nurse asked my grandparents, "Do you need hearing aids?"
"Yes," my grandmother answered. "But he doesn't like his, never wears it and leaves it at home."
Then she added, "I always carry mine in my purse."

 

One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."

 

 

 

Happy Birthday!

A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get." 

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

---

Hair Cuts can be messy!

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

 

The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged guy like me appear?" I asked, trying to stump him.
"Still employed," was his answer.

---

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest,
chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road
or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon
your frame of reference.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken
cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the
road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste
to observe the chicken crossing?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
insecurity.

Bashar al-Assad: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on it.

Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you
can either observe the chicken or you can measure its
speed, but you cannot do both.
 
Jean Foucault: It didn't. The rotation of the earth made
it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.

Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.

Volta: The other side had more potential.

Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in
which the same chicken is in differing stages of
crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has
completed crossing the road do their avian functions
coalesce.
 
Courtesy: Arcamax

Nuggets that might make U laugh

Dogma: A puppy's mom

Gardening: A labor that begins with daybreak and ends
with backbreak.
 
Q: What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?  
A: Outlaws are wanted.

"In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art
criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to
come across long passages which are almost completely
lacking in meaning."(George Orwell)

 

Do U like Satire - Part 2

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Laugh as U enjoy the Humour

A paramedic was being interviewed on
TV. "What was your most unusual and
challenging 9-1-1 call?"
"Recently we got a call from the church
at 11th and Walnut. A frantic usher was
very concerned that during the sermon an
elderly man passed out in a pew and
appeared to be dead. The usher could find
no pulse and there was no noticeable
breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about
this particular call?"
"We carried out four guys before we found
the one who was dead."

"You look glum. Whats wrong?"
"They called in a management team and gave
everyone in the office an aptitude test to
see what they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so what's the problem with that?"
"It turns out that I am best suited for
unemployment."
 

Funs Galore

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
 
Those who live by the sword get shot by
those who don't.
 
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently
talented fool.
 
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a
50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it
wrong.
 
If the shoe fits, get another one just
like it.
 
The things that come to those who wait
may be the things left by those who got
there first.

Do U Like Satire - Part 1

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

WHO IS BETTER

2 guys talking...

Man 1: My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last 50 cents you're going to die of liver problems.

DUTIFUL!

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

Funny quips

• Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.
• I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal 
• flush and five people died.
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
• I spilled 'Spot' remover on my dog.  Now he's disappeared.
• Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
• Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
• Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar territory.

What is ?

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"

Hilarious observations of life that U will enjoy

1. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
2. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
3. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
4. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
7. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
8. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
9. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
10. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
11. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
12. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Enjoy witticism of Oscar Wilde

• My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
• The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
• Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
• We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
• There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book.  Books are well written or badly written.
• But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
  Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.  That is all.
• America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
• It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.  People are either charming or tedious.
• Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
• Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
• Who, being loved, is poor?
• I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.  It is never of any use to oneself.

Enjoy the satire

A marketing type managed to corner me at the mall and was asking a series of survey questions:
"Which shaving cream do you use?"
"Baba's." The interviewer dutifully recorded my answer and proceeded with the next question.
"Which aftershave do you use?"
"Baba's."
"Which deodorant do you use?"
"Baba's."
"Which toothpaste do you use?"
"Baba's."
"Which shampoo do you use?"
"Baba's."
"Which soap do you use?"
"Baba's."
"Thank you. I have one final question: tell me please, What is Baba's? Is it a foreign company?"
"No, Baba is my roommate."

---

Gardening tips will make U laugh

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes.  And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."


Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.


My wife's a water sign.  I'm an earth sign.
Together we make mud. 

What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
 

Funny Reservation!

Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

God was working it alone!

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.  During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"   A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.  Lo and behold, it's a completely different place.  The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"  "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Observations will make U laugh

1. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
2. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
4. If all is not lost, where is it?
5. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
6. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

Have U seen my other shoe ?

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car.  Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.  Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

Want to contribute!

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. 

She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008.

So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied,"Only about 3-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

·                             

Humourous Graffiti Collections

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(with proof of purchase)
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Great Minds!

Billy and Bubba, two farmers from a small town outside of
Little Rock, Arkansas, were walking home together after each
had purchased a pig. Billy said to Bubba, "How are we going
to tell them apart?"

Bubba answered, "We'll cut the left ear off of your pig."
And so they did.

After a while, the pigs got into a fight and they had bitten
off each others ears. Billy asked, "Now what are we going to
do?"

"Well, how about if we cut the tail off of my pig?" Bubba
replied.

"That sounds like a good plan to me," Billy agreed.

A little while later, the pigs got into another fight, and
when it was over, they were both missing their tails.

"What will we do now?" Bubba asked Billy.

After giving it some thought, Billy replied, "Well, we could
cut the leg off of yours."

"That's not humane!" Bubba cried.

So after some more thought, Billy said, "Well, let's do
this. We'll just call the white one yours and the black one
mine."

DON'T BE ON FRONT PAGE!

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.
There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."

Last Wisdom!

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, "Don't sell that cow."


Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 3

When a clock is hungry .  .  .  it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine .  .  .  was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory .  .  .  which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be .  .  .  exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, .  .  .  she thought she'd dye.


If you don't pay your exorcist .  .  .  you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name .  .  .  and a dress.

A bicycle can't stand alone; .  .  .  it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . it's your Count that votes.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Enjoy The Humour And Satire

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Courtesy: Lisa Fisch.

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 2

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you .  .  .
A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if .  .  .  you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : .  .  .  the LAN down under.

A boiled egg is .  .  .  hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center .  .  .  you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was ... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?  .  .  .
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could .  .  .  jog your memory.


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

The Economy is So Bad

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to
share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by
Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in
Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all
excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...


Courtesy:  Janice Beasley.

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 1

To write with a broken pencil is .  .  .  pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes .  .  .  take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar .  .  .  got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles .  .  .  U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes .  .  .  was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out .  .  .  free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  .  .  they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a .  .  .  dead giveaway.


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Ended in a Tie!

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

Your True Friend!

It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain
and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your
Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend you will never find

Courtesy:  Thomas S. Ellsworth.

So Generous

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. 

The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

 "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

CHANGE COURSE

One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went.....
'Change course 10 degrees South.'
The reply was quickly flashed back...
'You change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....
'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'
Back came the reply....
'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'
Back came the reply.......
'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'

Wonderful vision!

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you're aloft?"
"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don't see how you land!"
"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

Courtesy: Aaron Endelman

Was Not There Yesterday!

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."

FORGOT HER BACON!

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"
"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.
"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."
"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.
"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.
"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.
"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

Express Wish!

I work in a personnel office with the government in
Washington, DC, reviewing applications for federal
employment.

The standard form includes the question, "Why did you leave
your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The
express wish of 116,000 voters."

Courtesy:  Thomas Ellsworth.

I Like The Way U Think

This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher.
Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!"

Dirt Cheap!

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
 
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out,"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
 
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the   preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the    water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?' Courtesy: Martha Northrup

TRUE FOLLOWER!

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

Benefits of Prayer!

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New
York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I
don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
 
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation
always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
 
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
 
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's
taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

QUALITY ASSURANCE!

PIPING SPECIFICATIONS
All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
 All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular.
All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.
Outer-diameter of all pipes must exceed the inner-diameter. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the jobsites.
All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
All pipe over two miles in length must also have these words painted on the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.
All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it, so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipes become crooked pipes.

Bullets in short supply

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago"--and he points an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."

Enjoy The Humour

In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."