Friday, 31 October 2014

Need to wash!!

I've decided that hygiene is in the eye of the beholder. One
lunchtime as I watched the woman in the sandwich shop
spread mayonnaise on my bread, I noticed part of her grubby
work shirt was dragging across it.

"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Blonde Vs Blonde

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour
residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled
her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car
also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a
while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
"What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a
smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse
again and found a small, rectangular mirror down
at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must
be my driver's license", then handed it to the
blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it
back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too,
we could have avoided all of this."

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Made for each other!!

Two newly weds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working
and filed for divorce. The judge asked them what the problem
was. The husband replied, "In the five weeks that we've been
together we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."

The judge asked the wife, "Have you anything to say?"

"It's been *six* weeks your Honor."

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Interested buyer!!

The artist asks the gallery owner, "Has there been any
interest in my paintings?"

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that a
gentleman inquired about your work and asked if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!! But what's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Saved by Sin!

On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car sped around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel. Just at that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.

I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A young man got out. "Sister Grace," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix the tire."

As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."

It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was saved by Sinn.

Monday, 13 October 2014

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist asks, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes, ma'am. But none to point out while I'm driving this bus

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Wake-up call!

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"