Sunday, 30 September 2012

Who Says Seniors Don't Have Sense Of Humours

DATING ADS FOR SENIORS Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.  

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.  

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.  

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.  

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.  

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. My favorite....  
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Couresy: Martha Northrup 

Saturday, 29 September 2012


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Friday, 28 September 2012

How 2 Marinate A Marriage!

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree
his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he
asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation
about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the
same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her
answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you
asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry
me again?"

Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

 Courtesy: Clean-Laffs.

Thursday, 27 September 2012


A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The
soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown,
say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on
for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier
psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and

wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."

 Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

How 2 Receive Phone Calls

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Story Of A Successful Insurance Seller

A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job.
"We don't need anyone," the manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime


"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to.

If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the

manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another
for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?"
the manager asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone

anytime anything."

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company

requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back
and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with

two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets
down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles
of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's
Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two


"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a

state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Monday, 24 September 2012

How 2 Remain Faithful And Earn On The Side

Bill and Lisa are now married 40 years.

When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the
bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage, Lisa never looked. However, on
the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of
her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back
under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lisa could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and
said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an

 empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

 Lisa was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad
considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Lisa asked
Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 23 September 2012

How 2 harness natural resources

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet.
"It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared.
"You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the
ocean and you'll feel better."

When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store,

bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.

"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the


"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight


The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel

room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he
decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he
handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the
money and said, "Help yourself."

The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement.

The tide was out.

"Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you

got here!"

 Courtesy: Becky Day.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

How 2 Be Impartial

At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling
him to check the baby.

He sat up for a full minute listening and then protested,

"But I don't hear her crying."

"I know," she replied. "It's your turn to go see why not!"


  Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Identify The Real Offender

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you who make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Thursday, 20 September 2012


Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called
out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker
who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed
into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to
my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed

it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed,
"Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking

frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Tuesday, 18 September 2012


The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down

way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having
such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I

told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got
away with that one, I thought!

Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked

her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times,
then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice

Courtesy: Dalton Green

Monday, 17 September 2012


My parents scoffed, but I knew my college degree in geology
would come in handy one day. It was during basic training,
at Sheppard Field, Texas, and I was pulling KP duty. When
the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly
announced that I was a geologist.

"Good. I'm looking for someone with your background," he

said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. "You've
got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of
this hundred pounds of beans."

 Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Sunday, 16 September 2012


Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Saturday, 15 September 2012

How To Maintain Neutrality

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be

doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my


"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk


"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the

other team's players in the knee."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk

marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will

be boys."

 Courtesy: Andychap.

Friday, 14 September 2012


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Thursday, 13 September 2012


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Paddy & His Friends

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Band-Aids On The Mirror

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Monday, 10 September 2012


Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went
to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated
and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked
by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never
says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how
"loud" the dress was.

After the service was over, we were standing outside the
church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my
daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to
(practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I
asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear
this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't
heard it make a peep yet."

Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband
and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband
wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw
that particular dress worn again.

Courtesy: Pastor Tim.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Idiots Galore

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.   Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.   One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Whose Color Is Real

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 7 September 2012

Everybody Will Love It


Actual Documentations Found in Patient Records     -      (

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Practical Teaching

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide
solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of
potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what

the student was about to do and hurried over. After
confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student
to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes
before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose

of this action.

"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.

  Courtesy : Thomas Ellsworth.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Can Stop Any Moment

One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some
brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't
too bad tasting," he thought. Next day he told his buddy
about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "I think
I'll have a little more today." His friend was a little
concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup

full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! I think I'll have
some more today." And so he did. A few days later, he was up
to a bottle a day, and he told his friend, "This brake fluid
is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake

fluid is poison and is really bad for you. You'd better stop
drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said. "I can stop any time."


 Courtesy: FranCMT2.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Drinking, Gambling, and Golf

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for
a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars, and

asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay


"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know

I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a

man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.


Sunday, 2 September 2012


A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25(cents) each
-- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be

ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.

The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign

no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.