Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Facts R Sometimes Funny

  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 
  • Coca-Cola was originally green. 
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
  • The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
  • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    Spades - King David
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Clubs - Alexander, the Great
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar
         Courtesy :  Randy C.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

What is needed to become a good Golfer

 It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf, than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you require the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon.  On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs  if you are performing brain surgery. 
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 27 October 2012

What A Courageous Lady!

Linda Burnett,23,was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket  to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
 A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

 And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 8 October 2012

As I will be busy otherwise for some time there will be no more updates till i am free.

Thanks all

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Being Thankful And Equal To All

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 6 October 2012

How 2 Win A Gorgeous One

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up
at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and
breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is
hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the

club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance,
they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the
amazing trophy girlfriend?"

Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend --

she's my wife."

Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to

marry you?"

"I lied about my age," he replies.

"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."


 Courtesy: TwoTimesAr.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Effective Way 2 Get Out Of A Mess

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Eligible Jerks

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

 He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." 

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

How 2 be a part of the scenario

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way,
so he hurried to find the men's room.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found

a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching
and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve
himself right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act

had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found
his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"


 Courtesy: Joke du Jour.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

How 2 Infuse Life Into Dead

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can all over the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

Monday, 1 October 2012

Never Indulge In Counterfeiting

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his
stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow
inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good
person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to
learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the

best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday
evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,

though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into
his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the
warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said

the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter

fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

 Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.