Sunday, 24 November 2013

Please don't let out the secret!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"

"I know that You created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, especially that hilarious snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that, Lord?"

"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll
lie and be vain. All in all he'll give you a
dificult time, but he'll be bigger and faster
and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good
things to eat. I'll create him so that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like playing
cards and knocking a ball around. He won't be
as smart as you, so he will also need your
advice to think properly".

"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised
eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"

"Well .. you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that, Lord?"

"Since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring,
you will have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Where were you when I got married?

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Friday, 22 November 2013

Secret of a long happy marriage!

The elderly couple had been married for more than
sixty years. They talked about everything. They
kept no secrets from each other... except that the
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that
she cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.

For all these years he had never thought about the
box, until one day the woman had a health scare and
decided she'd better sort out her affairs.

Following her instructions, the old man took the shoe
box down from the shelf and took it to his wife. She
agreed it was time that he should know what was in
the box.

When he opened it he found two beautifully crocheted
doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000.
He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother
told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times in all those years
of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and

"Sweetheart," he said, "that explains the doilies,
but what about all this money? Where did it all come

"Oh, that. That's the money I made from selling the

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Wrote a check!

There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

He knows you!

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Tuesday, 19 November 2013


A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.

To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . 

Weren t you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.

Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

Monday, 18 November 2013

The frickin' lion!

I took my son to the zoo. As we were walking around
viewing the animals in the nature compounds, he
pointed to a lion. "Look, Dad, there's a frickin'


"It's a frickin' lion!"

"Uhh ... how did you come up with that?"

"It's on the sign over there."

Sure enough, posted on the fence was a sign that read,
"African Lion."

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Long Happy Life!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

The Clever Woman!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Friday, 15 November 2013

How to increase productivity

A large corporation hired several cannibals to
increase their diversity, "You are all part of
our team now," said the Human Resources rep
during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please
don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

A few weeks later their boss remarked, "You're
all working very hard and I'm satisfied with
your performance. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's productivity.
However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads No.

After the boss left, the cannibal leader said
to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate
the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You
fool!" the leader continued. "For all this
time we've been eating managers and no one
noticed anything. But now, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does work!!"

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Never Ever Lose Your Cell Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "

 "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who's phone is this?"

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Man Vs. Woman!

The man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT ,

The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION ,

The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD ,

The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET .

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE ,

The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY ,

The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING .

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While the women STUCK to shopping.............. !!!

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Do you agree - 3

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Well done is better than well said .

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.

Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Monday, 11 November 2013

They live in clocks!

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next
question correctly, she would win the million
dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would
pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar
question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the
following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of
other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the
answer. And she was doubly on the spot because
she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-
Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope
that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to
be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her
friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving
Regis any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into
a sweat.

"I have to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely
correct. You are a millionaire!"

Shortly afterward, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped
her win the million dollar answer.

"I just do not know how to thank you. Because of your
knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was
the assuredness with which you answered the question
that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!"

"But tell me ... how did you happen to know the right

"Oh, come on! Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."


Sunday, 10 November 2013

Food for thought!

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Do you agree - 2

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Hard Realization!

A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. St.
Peter approaches and says "Can I help you?"

The man replies "No thanks." He continues to stand
on the clouds.

"Are you sure I can't help you?"

"No. That's fine."

A short time later St. Peter approaches the man
again. "Look, you do realize that if you're here,
you're dead -- right?"

"Oh I realize that. I'm just waiting for the Medics
down there to realize that."

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Do You Agree - 1

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

What a puzzle!

One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture ofthat tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Learn your Geography!

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Tit Bits

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons

What's the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife...

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I love u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll
kill u.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Never divulge your dreams!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Tech Support - 5

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
Customer: I have a problem with my printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door,but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Friday, 1 November 2013


On a sunny Sabbath afternoon in Miami Beach, two old
friends met for the first time in years. After an
exchange of the usual pleasantries, as they sat on a
beachfront bench, Jacob's expression grew somber and
he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go
to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer
believe in God?"

Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the

The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach
again."You must tell me, Shmuel, don't you believe in
our God any more?"

Shmuel replied, "Here is a straight answer to a
straight question. No, I don't."

"Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?"

"God forbid. On Sabbath?"