Thursday, 31 January 2013


"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes

Wednesday, 30 January 2013


A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

WITTY SATIRE - Oscar Wilde vs. Lewis Morris

Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship
                                                        Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 28 January 2013

Satire For Enjoyment

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten


One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."


Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."


The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.


They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you


Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."  

Courtesy: Gary Sessions.

Sunday, 27 January 2013


A lady died this past January and Barclays Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance which had been ?0.00 is now somewhere around ?60.00.

A family member placed a call to Barclays Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to Collections.'

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

'Either report her account to the frauds division

or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you ... the part about her being dead?'

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

(Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Solicitor info. given)

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

'Our system just isn't set up for death.

I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great!

If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Plot Number 1049,

Finchley Memorial Cemetery,
Great North Road,
Finchley, London .'

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 26 January 2013


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Witticism At Its Best - Pierre Trudeau vs. Richard Nixon

Pierre Trudeau vs. Richard Nixon, upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Thursday, 24 January 2013


Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school
yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.

The first one said, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He
can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets
there before the arrow!"


The second one said, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father
is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the


Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his
head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the
fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and
he's home by 3:45!"


 Courtesy: Irene A. Mystery.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears. 
His advice:
"Don't answer it." 
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, 
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought 

he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, 
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." 
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 22 January 2013



Let me tell you about my doctor
He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
Before he realised she was Chinese.

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the

doctor gave him another six months

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said,
"Tell him I can't see him."
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 21 January 2013


A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour
of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the
financial district.

 When they arrived at Battery Park, the
guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there
and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive

Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Saturday, 19 January 2013


One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Devil." 

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

Friday, 18 January 2013


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

Thursday, 17 January 2013


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

SARCASM - NYC Mayor Ed Koch vs. Andrew Kirtzman

after the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in
Washington state. Customers complained about our
postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like
junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills
in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note
printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his
bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming
Soon! New Larger Bills!"


 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Monday, 14 January 2013


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later:

"Computer completely dead now."

        Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 13 January 2013


The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.


"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.

The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.


 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Sarcastic Repartee

Groucho Marx vs. a contestant on You Bet Your Life, after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 11 January 2013


Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history .....

Thursday, 10 January 2013


A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Tuesday, 8 January 2013


A man was walking along a deserted beach one day and found a strange looking bottle lying in the sand. He looked up and down the beach and didn't see anyone who might have dropped it, so he decided to open the bottle.

A powerful genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out of his magical cage.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you a wish. BUT, I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've never been able to go because I cannot stand flying in an airplane, and boats tend to make me claustrophobic. So for my wish, I want a road to be built to Hawaii."

The genie thought about the road for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Just imagine all the pavement needed. No, I'm sorry, but that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then decided on his second choice. The man said, "There IS one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, I'd like to know what makes them tick."

The genie pondered the request for a moment, and finally said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Monday, 7 January 2013


Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes
and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.


Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days
a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or
co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early.


Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the
toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break - Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch, as
they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get
five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should
be directed elsewhere.


 Courtesy: James W.

Sunday, 6 January 2013


A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Friday, 4 January 2013


I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my
meditation sessions.


"You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can
keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a
spot in front of you."


He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"

Thursday, 3 January 2013


A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made.."

 Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

 The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.  I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

Courtesy : Martha Northrup


Wednesday, 2 January 2013


At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent
researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our
lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are
far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so
attached to them. And third, there are some things even a
rat won't do."

Tuesday, 1 January 2013


I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young
daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought
it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the
office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell
her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although
usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague
I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would
be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns,
and I never got to see them!"