Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Nuggets of laughter

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The
next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we
entered her house, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

"Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?"

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

Monday, 28 April 2014

Gems For All

I'm going to retire and live off my saving.
What I'll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm not fat. I'm just "easy to see."

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, just to
surprise my liver.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or
trying to run me over.

Dealing with some people is like playing soccer:
You can use your head but a swift kick is more

Marriage should be like a workshop: He works and
I shop.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with
a joke. So I put my paycheck on the first slide.

Did you know ... Chocolate makes your clothes

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can
still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

Sunday, 27 April 2014


As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

Wednesday, 23 April 2014


"You know why I never tell jokes while I'm skating? Because
the ice might crack up!"
"Honey, you have nothing to worry about."

I was high on a ladder, when I saw a beautiful girl
below. Suddenly, I fell for her.

They claim you can lose weight by eating dry cereal
but I think they're flakes

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day
drinking beer.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

In The News!

Las Vegas just opened the world's tallest Ferris wheel,
which is 550 feet high. They say it's the perfect place
to take your kids -- and then leave them while you hit
the blackjack table.

(Jimmy Fallon)


"Middle class" now means that you can afford a full sized
SUV instead of a compact car. To live in.

The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and
his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the
house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine,
Belarus ...

(Seth Meyers)


Police in Venice, Italy have arrested violent
separatists who built a makeshift tank. Unfortunately
for the activists, they didn't take their location
into account. They probably should have come up with
a weapon that floats a little better than a tank.

(Jim Barach)

Monday, 7 April 2014

How much is enough!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."

"A divorce?!?"

"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."

"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"


"And your husband?"

"Irving? Ninety-two next month."

"And how long have you been married?"

"Tomorrow, 70 years"

"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"

"Enough is enough."