Sunday, 16 November 2014

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

12 Step Program For The Do-It-Yourself Handyman

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break
off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid but it works, then
it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are
there, it's warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or
fuse; see if the tank is empty; try plugging it in or flipping
the switch.

7. If all else fails, just paint over it.

8. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm
clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working,
you've fixed it.

9. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
throwing sometimes DOES help.

10. If something looks level, it *is* level.

11. Except for washing machines. Even when six levels say
they're level, they're *never* level.

12. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Two blondes go bear hunting. On their way up they pass a
sign saying "Bear Left". So they turned around and went home.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

"We [the English] have really everything in common with
America nowadays except, of course, language."
Many years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the
misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.
The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the
merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He
said he would forgo the merchant's debt if he could marry
the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter
were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender
suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into a bag. The girl would then pick one
pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she
would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt
would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble her
father's debt would still be forgiven but she would not have
to marry the moneylender. But if she refused the deal, the
moneylender would report to the authorities and her father
would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl
noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them
into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from
the bag.

What would you have done?

1. Refuse to take a pebble.

2. Show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and
expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. Pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself to save her
father from his debt and imprisonment.

The answer: None of the above. The girl put her hand into the
bag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled
and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it
immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to
tell which pebble I picked."

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The Law of Medicine: if you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - By the time you get there you'll feel better.

Corollary: If you don't make an appointment you'll stay sick.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

A new study by the University of Minnesota indicates that fear of contracting the Ebola virus is highest among Americans who did not pay attention during math and science classes.