Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Hilarious observations of life that U will enjoy

  1. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  2. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
  3. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  4. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  6. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  7. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  8. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
  9. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  10. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  11. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
  12. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Enjoy witticism of Oscar Wilde

  • My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
  • The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
  • Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
  • We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
  • There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book.  Books are well written or badly written.
  • But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
    Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.  That is all.
  • America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
  • Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
  • It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.  People are either charming or tedious.
  • Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
  • Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
  • Who, being loved, is poor?
  • I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.  It is never of any use to oneself.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Enjoy the satire

A marketing type managed to corner me at the mall and was asking a series of survey questions:
"Which shaving cream do you use?"

"Baba's." The interviewer dutifully recorded my answer and proceeded with the next question.

"Which aftershave do you use?"


"Which deodorant do you use?"


"Which toothpaste do you use?"


"Which shampoo do you use?"


"Which soap do you use?"


"Thank you. I have one final question: tell me please, What is Baba's? Is it a foreign company?"

"No, Baba is my roommate."

Sunday, 28 July 2013

Gardening tips will make U laugh

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes.  And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

My wife's a water sign.  I'm an earth sign.
Together we make mud. 

What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.


Saturday, 27 July 2013

Funny Reservation!

Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long......... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

Friday, 26 July 2013

God was working it alone!

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.  During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"   A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.  Lo and behold, it's a completely different place.  The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"  "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Observations will make U laugh

  1. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
  2. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  3. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  4. If all is not lost, where is it?
  5. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  6. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
  7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
  8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  10. It was all so different before everything changed.
  11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
  12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Have U seen my other shoe ?

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car.  Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.  Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

Want to contribute!

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set
herself on fire. 

She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008.

So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied,"Only about 3-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

Monday, 22 July 2013

Humourous Graffiti Collections

(with proof of purchase)


Collect the entire set