Collected Gems - 9

Overheard in a vision center: "I'm returning
glasses I bought for my husband."
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"He's still not seeing things my way."

"A thousand elephants a year are used to
make ivory keys for pianos."
"It's amazing that big animals can be
trained to do such fine work ..."

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 4

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak
to her and she doesn't speak to me.

"What do you use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

I'm Drunk!

The trooper stops a car that's swerving all over
the road. "Step out of the car. I am going to
need you to take a breathalyzer test."
"I can't. You see, I have very bad asthma, and
blowing into that thing can set off an attack."
"All right. Then you're going to have to take a
blood test."
"I Can’t do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If a
wound is opened I could bleed to death."
"Okay. I will need a urine sample."
"Sorry, I also have diabetes. That could push my
sugar count really low."
"Fine. So just get out of the car and walk a
straight line for me."
"I can't do that either."
"Why in the world not??!"
"Because I’m drunk!"