Sunday, 16 November 2014

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

12 Step Program For The Do-It-Yourself Handyman
 

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break
off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid but it works, then
it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are
there, it's warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-
year-old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or
fuse; see if the tank is empty; try plugging it in or flipping
the switch.

7. If all else fails, just paint over it.

8. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm
clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working,
you've fixed it.

9. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
throwing sometimes DOES help.

10. If something looks level, it *is* level.

11. Except for washing machines. Even when six levels say
they're level, they're *never* level.

12. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Two blondes go bear hunting. On their way up they pass a
sign saying "Bear Left". So they turned around and went home.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

"We [the English] have really everything in common with
America nowadays except, of course, language."
Many years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the
misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.
The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the
merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He
said he would forgo the merchant's debt if he could marry
the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter
were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender
suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into a bag. The girl would then pick one
pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she
would become the moneylender's wife and her father's debt
would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble her
father's debt would still be forgiven but she would not have
to marry the moneylender. But if she refused the deal, the
moneylender would report to the authorities and her father
would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl
noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them
into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from
the bag.

What would you have done?

1. Refuse to take a pebble.

2. Show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and
expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. Pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself to save her
father from his debt and imprisonment.

The answer: None of the above. The girl put her hand into the
bag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled
and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it
immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to
tell which pebble I picked."

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

The Law of Medicine: if you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - By the time you get there you'll feel better.

Corollary: If you don't make an appointment you'll stay sick.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

A new study by the University of Minnesota indicates that fear of contracting the Ebola virus is highest among Americans who did not pay attention during math and science classes.

Friday, 31 October 2014

Need to wash!!

I've decided that hygiene is in the eye of the beholder. One
lunchtime as I watched the woman in the sandwich shop
spread mayonnaise on my bread, I noticed part of her grubby
work shirt was dragging across it.

"Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."

"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Blonde Vs Blonde

A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour
residental zone when a local police cruiser pulled
her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car
also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a
while and finally said to the blonde policewoman,
"What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a
smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse
again and found a small, rectangular mirror down
at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must
be my driver's license", then handed it to the
blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it
back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too,
we could have avoided all of this."

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Made for each other!!

Two newly weds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working
and filed for divorce. The judge asked them what the problem
was. The husband replied, "In the five weeks that we've been
together we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."

The judge asked the wife, "Have you anything to say?"

"It's been *six* weeks your Honor."

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Interested buyer!!

The artist asks the gallery owner, "Has there been any
interest in my paintings?"

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that a
gentleman inquired about your work and asked if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!! But what's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Saved by Sin!

On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car sped around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel. Just at that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.

I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A young man got out. "Sister Grace," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix the tire."

As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."

It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was saved by Sinn.

Monday, 13 October 2014

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist asks, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes, ma'am. But none to point out while I'm driving this bus

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Wake-up call!

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

Friday, 26 September 2014

Pragmatic!

Pete's wife went to the newspaper to have them run her
husband's obituary. The newsman said, "It's a dollar a
word. I remember Pete and it's too bad about him passing
away."

"Thank you for the kind words. I only have two dollars,
so I guess we'll just write, "Pete died."

"I tell you what -- since Pete was such a nice guy I'll
give you three more words at no charge."

"Thank you very much. That's extremely kind of you.
Please make it say 'Pete died. Boat for sale'."

Monday, 15 September 2014

Banks for everyone!

Hogs keep their money in piggy banks.
Londoners keep their money in fog banks.

Fish keep their money in river banks.

Polar bears keep their money in snow banks.

Vampires keep their money in blood banks.

Trees keep their money in bank branches.

... and Chicago Cubs fans used to keep their
money in Ernie Banks.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Go elsewhere!

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80?
A: "Counsellor."

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: "Your Honor."

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
A: "Congressman."

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Senator."

 

NOTE: This is a nonpartisan joke list. If you
want to see the one about a lawyer with an IQ
of 40 being called "Mr. President" you'll have
to go elsewhere.

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Better than Heaven!

A widower went to a psychic to see if he could
contact his late wife. The psychic went into a
trance. A strange breeze wafted through the
darkened room. Suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband ... much happier!"

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"Uhhh ... I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Friday, 29 August 2014

Home Sweet Home!

  The members of my wife's bridge club were exchanging stories of
their days camping with their families in the 1950's. Each
related how they remembered the primitive conditions like
gathering wood, pumping well water and carrying it to the
campsite, using an outhouse, and so forth.

Finally one woman asked my wife, who was raised in rural
Montana, if she had ever done any camping.

"Oh, no, we didn't bother," she replied. "We had all those
inconveniences at home."

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Confident!

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology
students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this
semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard, and many of
you are off to medical school after the summer. So that none of
you gets your GPA messed up because you might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to
opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up,
passed by the professor to thank him, and signed off on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One more student rose and took the offer.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said.
"Each of you gets an 'A.'"

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Think deep!

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

Sunday, 18 May 2014

You agree?

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a
while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from
work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my
sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job
that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out
the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked
against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Friday, 16 May 2014

Tit-bits

While replacing some roof tiles, my friend fell from a ladder.
His ankle broken, he called out for help and his neighbor's
four-year-old came to his side.

"Don't worry," she said, disappearing into her house.

Minutes later she returned in her nurse's outfit, carrying a
medical bag.

-----

It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frogs'
legs are edible.

-----

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on
the same side

-----

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

No extra please!

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked his top engineer to write him
a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he
was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an
hour-long speech?!? Half the audience walked
out before I finished."


The engineer replied. "I wrote you a 20-minute
speech. I also gave you the two extra copies
you asked for."

Monday, 12 May 2014

SOB!

An elderly gentleman was reviewing his records at the hospital
where I work. He expressed some concern at one notation. "I
know I'm a bit difficult at times, but I didn't realize I was
that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't
offend anyone."

 

Then I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath".

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Key Trouble!

A friend of mine recently went on a trip and had to stop at a rest area on the Interstate. She took her keys, left her purse and cell phone in her car, and went to the restroom.
When she returned, her remote wouldn't unlock the door and she panicked. "What am I going to do? My cell phone is still in the car and I can't call Onstar!"

Another traveler nearby overhearing this asked, "Have you tried the key?"

Friday, 2 May 2014

Charity begins at home!

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind."

Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table.

"Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Nuggets of laughter

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The
next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we
entered her house, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"




"Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?"

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

Monday, 28 April 2014

Gems For All

I'm going to retire and live off my saving.
What I'll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm not fat. I'm just "easy to see."

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, just to
surprise my liver.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or
trying to run me over.

Dealing with some people is like playing soccer:
You can use your head but a swift kick is more
effective.

Marriage should be like a workshop: He works and
I shop.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with
a joke. So I put my paycheck on the first slide.

Did you know ... Chocolate makes your clothes
shrink?

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can
still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.


 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!



Sunday, 27 April 2014

Schoolmate!

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Enjoy!

"You know why I never tell jokes while I'm skating? Because
the ice might crack up!"
"Honey, you have nothing to worry about."


I was high on a ladder, when I saw a beautiful girl
below. Suddenly, I fell for her.



They claim you can lose weight by eating dry cereal
but I think they're flakes




Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day
drinking beer.

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

In The News!

Las Vegas just opened the world's tallest Ferris wheel,
which is 550 feet high. They say it's the perfect place
to take your kids -- and then leave them while you hit
the blackjack table.

(Jimmy Fallon)

-----

"Middle class" now means that you can afford a full sized
SUV instead of a compact car. To live in.



The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and
his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the
house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine,
Belarus ...

(Seth Meyers)

-----

Police in Venice, Italy have arrested violent
separatists who built a makeshift tank. Unfortunately
for the activists, they didn't take their location
into account. They probably should have come up with
a weapon that floats a little better than a tank.

(Jim Barach)

Monday, 7 April 2014

How much is enough!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."

"A divorce?!?"

"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."

"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"

"Ninety."

"And your husband?"

"Irving? Ninety-two next month."

"And how long have you been married?"

"Tomorrow, 70 years"

"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"

"Enough is enough."