Wake-up call!

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

Pragmatic!

Pete's wife went to the newspaper to have them run her
husband's obituary. The newsman said, "It's a dollar a
word. I remember Pete and it's too bad about him passing
away."
"Thank you for the kind words. I only have two dollars,
so I guess we'll just write, "Pete died."
"I tell you what -- since Pete was such a nice guy I'll
give you three more words at no charge."
"Thank you very much. That's extremely kind of you.
Please make it say 'Pete died. Boat for sale'."

Banks for everyone!

Hogs keep their money in piggy banks.
Londoners keep their money in fog banks.
Fish keep their money in river banks.
Polar bears keep their money in snow banks.
Vampires keep their money in blood banks.
Trees keep their money in bank branches.
... and Chicago Cubs fans used to keep their
money in Ernie Banks.

Go elsewhere!

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80?
A: "Counsellor."
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: "Your Honor."
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
A: "Congressman."
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Senator."
 
NOTE: This is a nonpartisan joke list. If you
want to see the one about a lawyer with an IQ
of 40 being called "Mr. President" you'll have
to go elsewhere.

Better than Heaven!

A widower went to a psychic to see if he could
contact his late wife. The psychic went into a
trance. A strange breeze wafted through the
darkened room. Suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband ... much happier!"
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"Uhhh ... I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Home Sweet Home!

  The members of my wife's bridge club were exchanging stories of
their days camping with their families in the 1950's. Each
related how they remembered the primitive conditions like
gathering wood, pumping well water and carrying it to the
campsite, using an outhouse, and so forth.

Finally one woman asked my wife, who was raised in rural
Montana, if she had ever done any camping.

"Oh, no, we didn't bother," she replied. "We had all those
inconveniences at home."

Confident!

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology
students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this
semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard, and many of
you are off to medical school after the summer. So that none of
you gets your GPA messed up because you might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to
opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up,
passed by the professor to thank him, and signed off on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One more student rose and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said.
"Each of you gets an 'A.'"

Think deep!

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

You agree?

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a
while she got a generous raise.
The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from
work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my
sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job
that pays this much money?"
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out
the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked
against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Tit-bits

While replacing some roof tiles, my friend fell from a ladder.
His ankle broken, he called out for help and his neighbor's
four-year-old came to his side.
"Don't worry," she said, disappearing into her house.
Minutes later she returned in her nurse's outfit, carrying a
medical bag.
-----
It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frogs'
legs are edible.
-----
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on
the same side
-----
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

No extra please!

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked his top engineer to write him
a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he
was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an
hour-long speech?!? Half the audience walked
out before I finished."

The engineer replied. "I wrote you a 20-minute
speech. I also gave you the two extra copies
you asked for."

SOB!

An elderly gentleman was reviewing his records at the hospital
where I work. He expressed some concern at one notation. "I
know I'm a bit difficult at times, but I didn't realize I was
that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't
offend anyone."
 
Then I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath".

Key Trouble!

A friend of mine recently went on a trip and had to stop at a rest area on the Interstate. She took her keys, left her purse and cell phone in her car, and went to the restroom.
When she returned, her remote wouldn't unlock the door and she panicked. "What am I going to do? My cell phone is still in the car and I can't call Onstar!"
Another traveler nearby overhearing this asked, "Have you tried the key?"