- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
- Coca-Cola was originally green.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
- Each king in a deck of
playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
One Stop Blog 2 Enjoy Lighter Side Of Life With Family And Friends In A Clean Environment
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Facts R Sometimes Funny
Sunday 28 October 2012
What is needed to become a good Golfer
It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf, than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.
A good golf partner is one
who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to
play with friends.
A pro-shop gets its name from
the fact that you require the income of a professional golfer to buy anything
in there.
If your opponent has trouble
remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
It takes longer to learn good
golf than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't
get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs if you are performing brain surgery.
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Saturday 27 October 2012
What A Courageous Lady!
Linda Burnett,23,was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making aloud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Monday 8 October 2012
Sunday 7 October 2012
Being Thankful And Equal To All
A
Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Saturday 6 October 2012
How 2 Win A Gorgeous One
Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up
at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and
breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is
hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every
word.
His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the
club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance,
they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the
amazing trophy girlfriend?"
Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend --
she's my wife."
Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to
marry you?"
"I lied about my age," he replies.
"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
Courtesy: TwoTimesAr.
at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and
breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is
hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every
word.
His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the
club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance,
they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the
amazing trophy girlfriend?"
Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend --
she's my wife."
Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to
marry you?"
"I lied about my age," he replies.
"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
Courtesy: TwoTimesAr.
Friday 5 October 2012
Effective Way 2 Get Out Of A Mess
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Thursday 4 October 2012
Eligible Jerks
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the
most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Wednesday 3 October 2012
How 2 be a part of the scenario
A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way,
so he hurried to find the men's room.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found
a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching
and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve
himself right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act
had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found
his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"
Courtesy: Joke du Jour.
intermission he needed to use the restroom in the worst way,
so he hurried to find the men's room.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found
a beautiful fountain with foliage. Since nobody was watching
and his need was becoming more urgent, he decided to relieve
himself right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act
had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found
his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said indignantly. "You were in it!"
Courtesy: Joke du Jour.
Tuesday 2 October 2012
How 2 Infuse Life Into Dead
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can all over the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Monday 1 October 2012
Never Indulge In Counterfeiting
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his
stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow
inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good
person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to
learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the
best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday
evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,
though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into
his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the
warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said
the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow
inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good
person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to
learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the
best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday
evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,
though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into
his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the
warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said
the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
Sunday 30 September 2012
Who Says Seniors Don't Have Sense Of Humours
DATING
ADS FOR SENIORS
Ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. My favorite....
Couresy: Martha Northrup
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. My favorite....
MINT
CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well.
Couresy: Martha Northrup
Saturday 29 September 2012
RELEASE THE B(L)OND
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Friday 28 September 2012
How 2 Marinate A Marriage!
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree
his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he
asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation
about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the
same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her
answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you
asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry
me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Courtesy: Clean-Laffs.
his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he
asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation
about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the
same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her
answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you
asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry
me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Courtesy: Clean-Laffs.
Thursday 27 September 2012
HOW 2 BECOME A FREE MAN
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The
soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown,
say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on
for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier
psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and
wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown,
say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on
for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier
psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged and
wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
Wednesday 26 September 2012
How 2 Receive Phone Calls
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor
asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a
shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally
picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Story Of A Successful Insurance Seller
A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job.
"We don't need anyone," the manager replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime
anything."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to.
If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the
manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another
for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?"
the manager asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone
anytime anything."
"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.
"Why's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back
and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with
two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets
down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles
of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's
Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two
buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a
state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
"We don't need anyone," the manager replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime
anything."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to.
If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the
manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another
for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?"
the manager asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone
anytime anything."
"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.
"Why's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back
and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with
two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets
down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles
of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's
Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two
buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a
state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
Monday 24 September 2012
How 2 Remain Faithful And Earn On The Side
Bill and Lisa are now married 40 years.
When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the
bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage, Lisa never looked. However, on
the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of
her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back
under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lisa could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and
said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Lisa was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad
considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Lisa asked
Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the
bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 40 years of marriage, Lisa never looked. However, on
the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of
her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back
under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Lisa could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and
said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Lisa was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad
considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Lisa asked
Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Sunday 23 September 2012
How 2 harness natural resources
A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet.
"It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared.
"You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the
ocean and you'll feel better."
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store,
bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the
lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight
face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel
room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he
decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he
handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the
money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement.
The tide was out.
"Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you
got here!"
Courtesy: Becky Day.
"It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared.
"You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the
ocean and you'll feel better."
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store,
bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the
lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight
face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel
room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he
decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he
handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the
money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement.
The tide was out.
"Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you
got here!"
Courtesy: Becky Day.
Saturday 22 September 2012
How 2 Be Impartial
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling
him to check the baby.
He sat up for a full minute listening and then protested,
"But I don't hear her crying."
"I know," she replied. "It's your turn to go see why not!"
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
him to check the baby.
He sat up for a full minute listening and then protested,
"But I don't hear her crying."
"I know," she replied. "It's your turn to go see why not!"
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
Friday 21 September 2012
Identify The Real Offender
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you who make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you who make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Thursday 20 September 2012
HOW TO EARN MORE
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called
out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker
who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed
into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to
my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed
it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed,
"Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a
stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking
frog is worth more than a stockbroker!" Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
out to them and said, "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker
who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed
into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to
my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed
it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed,
"Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a
stockbroker!"
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking
frog is worth more than a stockbroker!" Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
Wednesday 19 September 2012
HOW TO CREATE ATTRACTION
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Tuesday 18 September 2012
HOW TO MAINTAIN FAMILY PEACE
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I
promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down
way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having
such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I
told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got
away with that one, I thought!
Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times,
then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice
more."
Courtesy: Dalton Green
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "I
promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down
way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having
such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I
told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got
away with that one, I thought!
Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times,
then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice
more."
Courtesy: Dalton Green
Monday 17 September 2012
HOW TO UTILISE A DEGREE
My parents scoffed, but I knew my college degree in geology
would come in handy one day. It was during basic training,
at Sheppard Field, Texas, and I was pulling KP duty. When
the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly
announced that I was a geologist.
"Good. I'm looking for someone with your background," he
said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. "You've
got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of
this hundred pounds of beans."
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
would come in handy one day. It was during basic training,
at Sheppard Field, Texas, and I was pulling KP duty. When
the sergeant asked me what I did in civilian life, I proudly
announced that I was a geologist.
"Good. I'm looking for someone with your background," he
said, while dropping a bulging sack onto the table. "You've
got just the right qualifications to pick the rocks out of
this hundred pounds of beans."
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
Sunday 16 September 2012
FUNNY HEADLINES TO MAKE U LAUGH - PART II
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Saturday 15 September 2012
How To Maintain Neutrality
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the knee."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk
marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will
be boys."
Courtesy: Andychap.
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my
temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the knee."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk
marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when
you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will
be boys."
Courtesy: Andychap.
Friday 14 September 2012
HUMOUROUS NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1997 - PART I
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Thursday 13 September 2012
BE A PROUD AMERICAN
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Wednesday 12 September 2012
Paddy & His Friends
Paddy
was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned
his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An
Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking
into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just
had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Band-Aids On The Mirror
Patton
staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Monday 10 September 2012
LOUD
Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went
to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated
and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked
by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never
says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how
"loud" the dress was.
After the service was over, we were standing outside the
church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my
daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to
(practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I
asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear
this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't
heard it make a peep yet."
Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband
and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband
wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw
that particular dress worn again.
Courtesy: Pastor Tim.
to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated
and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked
by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never
says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how
"loud" the dress was.
After the service was over, we were standing outside the
church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my
daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to
(practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I
asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear
this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't
heard it make a peep yet."
Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband
and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband
wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw
that particular dress worn again.
Courtesy: Pastor Tim.
Sunday 9 September 2012
Idiots Galore
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Saturday 8 September 2012
Whose Color Is Real
When I was
born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.
NOW, You 'white' folks......
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.
NOW, You 'white' folks......
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED
Folks?
Courtesy:
Martha Northrup
Friday 7 September 2012
Everybody Will Love It
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM PATIENT RECORDS
Actual Documentations Found in Patient Records - (http://nursing.about.com/index.htm)Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Thursday 6 September 2012
Practical Teaching
A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide
solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of
potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what
the student was about to do and hurried over. After
confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student
to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes
before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose
of this action.
"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.
Courtesy : Thomas Ellsworth.
solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of
potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what
the student was about to do and hurried over. After
confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student
to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes
before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose
of this action.
"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.
Courtesy : Thomas Ellsworth.
Wednesday 5 September 2012
TRUE WISDOM
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it
comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Tuesday 4 September 2012
Can Stop Any Moment
One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some
brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't
too bad tasting," he thought. Next day he told his buddy
about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "I think
I'll have a little more today." His friend was a little
concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup
full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! I think I'll have
some more today." And so he did. A few days later, he was up
to a bottle a day, and he told his friend, "This brake fluid
is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake
fluid is poison and is really bad for you. You'd better stop
drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said. "I can stop any time."
Courtesy: FranCMT2.
brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't
too bad tasting," he thought. Next day he told his buddy
about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "I think
I'll have a little more today." His friend was a little
concerned but didn't say anything.
Next day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup
full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! I think I'll have
some more today." And so he did. A few days later, he was up
to a bottle a day, and he told his friend, "This brake fluid
is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake
fluid is poison and is really bad for you. You'd better stop
drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said. "I can stop any time."
Courtesy: FranCMT2.
Monday 3 September 2012
Drinking, Gambling, and Golf
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for
a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars, and
asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy
whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay
alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for
a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars, and
asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy
whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay
alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
Sunday 2 September 2012
PROFITABLE MISTAKE
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25(cents) each
-- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign
no one ever bought more than one eggplant." Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
-- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign
no one ever bought more than one eggplant." Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
Friday 31 August 2012
Netting The Surf
A father and son saw a fisherman standing waist-deep in the
water, repeatedly casting a net into the surging tide, but
it seemed every time he pulled it in, the net was empty.
"Look how hard he works to support his family," Dad
observed. "We can learn a lot from his perseverance."
"Aw, Dad," quipped his computer-savvy son, "he isn't
working; he's just netting the surf!"
- Reader's Digest
water, repeatedly casting a net into the surging tide, but
it seemed every time he pulled it in, the net was empty.
"Look how hard he works to support his family," Dad
observed. "We can learn a lot from his perseverance."
"Aw, Dad," quipped his computer-savvy son, "he isn't
working; he's just netting the surf!"
- Reader's Digest
Thursday 30 August 2012
Bank on Strike
Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went
on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller's
tasks?
While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask
if they were open.
They told her that they had two windows open.
Then the caller asked, "Can't I just come through the front
door?"
Courtesy : Doc's Daily Chuckle.
on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller's
tasks?
While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask
if they were open.
They told her that they had two windows open.
Then the caller asked, "Can't I just come through the front
door?"
Courtesy : Doc's Daily Chuckle.
Wednesday 29 August 2012
FOOLISH EMPLOYER
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant,
he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands,
and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said, "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He's not an employee," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant,
he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands,
and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said, "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He's not an employee," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.
Tuesday 28 August 2012
MORONS
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she would not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature
on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed
the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to
the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees': "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees': "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Monday 27 August 2012
These will make u laugh
Paddy was
driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and
couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on
me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest
of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man
he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Saturday 25 August 2012
Difficult 2 Solve
A road crew supervisor hired Ole to assist with painting the yellowline down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring him, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so. He explained to Ole that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on the road, and he was set up with brushes and paint and got him started.
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road. His supervisor was surprised that on day one, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.
On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called into the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem .. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?
""Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vhat, but I tought you'd a already know. Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can".
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift. He told him that he did an excellent job and how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Ole completed painting 2 miles of road. His supervisor was surprised that on day one, he had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that he would pick up his speed again.
On day 3, the supervisor was shocked to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole only completed painting 1 mile of road. He was called into the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem .. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?
""Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vhat, but I tought you'd a already know. Every day I vas getting farder and farder avay from da paint can".
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
Friday 24 August 2012
Lion Chasing!
A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of
people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and
asked, "What's happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from
the city zoo."
"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"
"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"
Courtesy: Becky Day.
people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and
asked, "What's happening?"
The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from
the city zoo."
"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"
"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"
Courtesy: Becky Day.
Thursday 23 August 2012
God's Address
Durng "children's time" in the worship service, the kids
came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer,
asked, "How can we talk with God?"
The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we
can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?"
The group said no.
Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe
we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?"
The response was again negative.
Then the pastor displayed his laptop computer and said,
"Maybe we can send God an e-mail!"
A little five-year-old boy enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try
www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
came forward and the pastor, wanting to teach about prayer,
asked, "How can we talk with God?"
The pastor produced paper and envelope and said, "Maybe we
can write God a letter. Does anyone know God's address?"
The group said no.
Then the pastor pulled out his cell phone and said, "Maybe
we can telephone God. Does anyone know God's phone number?"
The response was again negative.
Then the pastor displayed his laptop computer and said,
"Maybe we can send God an e-mail!"
A little five-year-old boy enthusiastically said, "Yeah, try
www-dot-God-dot-com!"
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Keeping Straight Face In Court
Q: How was your first
marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Tuesday 21 August 2012
Funny Jokes 2 Make U Laugh
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD.
1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in silly.
10 Things I know about you...
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in silly.
10 Things I know about you...
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No.5.
9) You laughed at this but are convinced that everyone else will too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No.5.
9) You laughed at this but are convinced that everyone else will too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
COURTESY: MARTHA NORTHRUP
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