Confident!

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology
students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this
semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard, and many of
you are off to medical school after the summer. So that none of
you gets your GPA messed up because you might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to
opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up,
passed by the professor to thank him, and signed off on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One more student rose and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said.
"Each of you gets an 'A.'"

Think deep!

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

You agree?

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a
while she got a generous raise.
The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from
work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my
sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job
that pays this much money?"
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out
the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked
against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Tit-bits

While replacing some roof tiles, my friend fell from a ladder.
His ankle broken, he called out for help and his neighbor's
four-year-old came to his side.
"Don't worry," she said, disappearing into her house.
Minutes later she returned in her nurse's outfit, carrying a
medical bag.
-----
It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frogs'
legs are edible.
-----
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on
the same side
-----
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

No extra please!

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked his top engineer to write him
a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he
was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an
hour-long speech?!? Half the audience walked
out before I finished."

The engineer replied. "I wrote you a 20-minute
speech. I also gave you the two extra copies
you asked for."

SOB!

An elderly gentleman was reviewing his records at the hospital
where I work. He expressed some concern at one notation. "I
know I'm a bit difficult at times, but I didn't realize I was
that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't
offend anyone."
 
Then I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath".

Key Trouble!

A friend of mine recently went on a trip and had to stop at a rest area on the Interstate. She took her keys, left her purse and cell phone in her car, and went to the restroom.
When she returned, her remote wouldn't unlock the door and she panicked. "What am I going to do? My cell phone is still in the car and I can't call Onstar!"
Another traveler nearby overhearing this asked, "Have you tried the key?"

Charity begins at home!

My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind."

Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table.

"Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Nuggets of laughter

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The
next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we
entered her house, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"




"Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?"

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

Gems For All

I'm going to retire and live off my saving.
What I'll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm not fat. I'm just "easy to see."

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, just to
surprise my liver.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or
trying to run me over.

Dealing with some people is like playing soccer:
You can use your head but a swift kick is more
effective.

Marriage should be like a workshop: He works and
I shop.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with
a joke. So I put my paycheck on the first slide.

Did you know ... Chocolate makes your clothes
shrink?

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can
still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

Schoolmate!

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

Enjoy!

"You know why I never tell jokes while I'm skating? Because
the ice might crack up!" "Honey, you have nothing to worry about."


I was high on a ladder, when I saw a beautiful girl
below. Suddenly, I fell for her.


They claim you can lose weight by eating dry cereal
but I think they're flakes



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day
drinking beer.

In The News!

Las Vegas just opened the world's tallest Ferris wheel,
which is 550 feet high. They say it's the perfect place
to take your kids -- and then leave them while you hit
the blackjack table.
(Jimmy Fallon)
-----
"Middle class" now means that you can afford a full sized
SUV instead of a compact car. To live in.


The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and
his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the
house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine,
Belarus ...
(Seth Meyers)
-----
Police in Venice, Italy have arrested violent
separatists who built a makeshift tank. Unfortunately
for the activists, they didn't take their location
into account. They probably should have come up with
a weapon that floats a little better than a tank.
(Jim Barach)

How much is enough!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."
"A divorce?!?"
"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."
"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"
"Ninety."
"And your husband?"
"Irving? Ninety-two next month."
"And how long have you been married?"
"Tomorrow, 70 years"
"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"
"Enough is enough."