Laughter is best medicine

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband. "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours! There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman. Before Marriage and After Marriage. My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't. Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... >From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing ? Husband: "MISSING YOU"... THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...   Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you're disconnected....... Difference Between Complete & Finish... People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED! There are 3 kinds of men in the world: Some remain single & make wonders happen, Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen, The rest get married & just wonder what happened! At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Courtsy: Martha Northrup

Great Innovation

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how
much a pound of tenderloin is.

"$12 per pound," replies the butcher.

"Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.

"Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12
per pound."

"But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the
area."

"Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of
beef."

"No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per
pound," she says.

"Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the
butcher.

"Because they are all out."

"Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound,"
retorts the butcher.
 
Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

Court Proceedings Will Make U Laugh

     Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when   he woke up that morning?              
     A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
     Q: And why did that upset you?
     A: My name is Susan.

     Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved     voodoo or the occult?       
     A: We both do.
     Q: Voodoo?
     A: We do.
     Q: You do?
     A: Yes, voodoo.

     Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning   
         

     A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?      Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

     Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    

     Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
     A: Yes.
     Q: And what were you doing at that time?

     Q: She had three children, right?
     A: Yes.
     Q: How many were boys?
     A: None.
     Q: Were there any girls?

Satire U Will Enjoy

A male statue on a museum pedestal watched with great
interest as a female statue was placed beside him.

"Hello, I'm made of exotic brown marble," he introduced
himself. "What is your background?"

"Oh, my background is impeccable," she answered. "I'm made
of the finest ivory to be found anywhere on earth."

"You sure are beautiful! I know this is sudden, but I
already care for you. Will you marry me?"

"How do I know you will always give me the respect that fine
ivory deserves?"

"Oh, my dear, I love you so much already -- I could never
take you for granite!"
 
Courtesy: Louise Norman.

Torments Of Keeping Calm In Court

     Q: Are you sexually active?
     A: No, I just lie there.
 
     Q: What is your date of birth?
     A: July 15.
     Q: What year?
     A: Every year.

     Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
     A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

     Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
     A: Yes.
     Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
     A: I forget.
     Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something       that you've forgotten?

     Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
     A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
     Q: How long has he lived with you?
      A: Forty-five years.
 

 

HOW TO FIND SPY HUNTER ?

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls
in one of their top spy hunters.

The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is
Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think
you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather
forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him,
he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"

So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one
of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can
help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy."

The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more
specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named
Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop
on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's
president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the
Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of
fact, my name is Murphy, too."

Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try
the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather
forecast calls for mist in the morning."

The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the
Spy. He lives right down the street."
 
Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

How Do U Like 2 Laugh ?

  Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a 

sense of humour.
 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order

P:Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield

S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 Engine Missing

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P:Aircraft handles funny

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P:  Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

 


  






 

 
 

HOW TO REACH HEAVEN FROM IRELAND ?

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? '
 
' NO! ' the children answered

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
 
Again, the answer was ' NO! '

 If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?
 
Again, they all answered ' NO! '

I was just bursting  with pride for them.
 
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN  ' DEAD...." 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Who Created The Chaos

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were
sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition,God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

--

HOW TO CALL POLICE?

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left  the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from  the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed  stealing things.

 He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"  He said "No," but some people are breaking into my shed and stealing from me.  Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

 George said, "Okay."  He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.  "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.  Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.  One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"  George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"  
 Courtesy: Martha Northup

Ingenuinity At Its Hilarious Best

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.. Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Logic and the English language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
 
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
 
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
 
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
 
And in which you fill in a form

By filling it out
 
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
 
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation
It ends.

YOU WILL DIE LAUGHING

Logic and the English language

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
 
There is no egg in the eggplant
 
No ham in the hamburger
 
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
 
English muffins were not invented in England.
 
French fries were not invented in France.
 
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
 
Quicksand takes you down slowly
 
Boxing rings are square
 
And a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig
 
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
 
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
 
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

Satire Humour Witticism

Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
 
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
 
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
 
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
 
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp
 
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
 
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
 
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
 
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
 
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
 
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
 
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism , n.. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
 
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men. 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

This will bring laughter

Hi Marve,

Thought I'd send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch
date yesterday ... I don't know what made me think we could
chat and catch up with the baby there ... guess I've learned
my lesson -- you just can't have any kind of sensible
conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp $mmk???
zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids
around.

Courtesy: Keith Sullivan.

More New Phrases For 20th Century

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: 

"You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

20TH CENTURY PHRASES

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.


GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Nice Sarcasm With Humour

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to
the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York.
 
As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd
like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red
suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because
that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

Courtesy:Thomas Ellsworth.


Customer gets a topical cream. Directions: Apply locally two
times a day.

Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally; I'm
going overseas."
 
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Another Satire Involving A Blonde

  This  is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater

   airplane  with just the pilot. He has a heart attack  and dies. 

   She, frantic,  calls out a May  Day.

  "May Day! May Day! Help  me! Help me! My

   pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't

  know  how to fly. Help me! Please help  me!"

  She hears a voice over the radio saying:
 

 "This is Air Traffic Control and I have

  you  loud and clear. I will talk you through this and

  get you back on the  ground. I've had a lot of

   experience with this kind of   problem. 
  

  'Now,  just  take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!

   

   Now give me  your  height and position."

   She says, 

  "I'm 5'4" and
  I'm in the front seat."      (Pause) 

  "O.K."  says  the voice on the radio....  

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . .  

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Humourous Selling Technique

There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window: "Avocados, 50 cents each." A woman went in and asked for some. "Sorry, love," said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on Wednesday."

So she went on up the street to Jones. But his avocados were $2.00 each! But at least he had them in stock.

"That's a bit steep, isn't it? Smith's are only 50 cents each."

"Yeah," said Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 50 cents a piece!"

Couresy: ArcaMax Jokes.