Collected Gems - 8

Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a
dress for a ridiculous price has actually
bought it for an absurd figure.

When Mother was ill, Father volunteered to go to
the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a
carefully numbered list. Dad returned shortly,
very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
 

 He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three
hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of
crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Not in my life-time

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.
Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"
God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."
Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?"
Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."
Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered quickly and with a firm voice: "Not in my life-time."

Be ware of loving moms

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he
stopped, she stopped. And she kept staring at
him.
 She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease, it's just that you look so much like my
late son."

"That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would
make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she
was on her way out of the store, the man called
out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How could it be so much? I only bought five
items!"
"Your Mother said you'd be paying for her
things too."
Courtesy: ArcaMax