Alphabates!

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What
about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 
Courtesy: Janice Beasley.

"Show him your card!"

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."

In a wise-arse tone the Ag. representative said, "I have the authority of the U.S Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face. "This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."

The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.

Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every angry snort.

The farmer shouted, "Show him your card!''

Can't remember who she was!

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, ' The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'

The crowd was shocked. He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out '...and I can't remember who she was!