I'm Drunk!

The trooper stops a car that's swerving all over
the road. "Step out of the car. I am going to
need you to take a breathalyzer test."
"I can't. You see, I have very bad asthma, and
blowing into that thing can set off an attack."
"All right. Then you're going to have to take a
blood test."
"I Can’t do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If a
wound is opened I could bleed to death."
"Okay. I will need a urine sample."
"Sorry, I also have diabetes. That could push my
sugar count really low."
"Fine. So just get out of the car and walk a
straight line for me."
"I can't do that either."
"Why in the world not??!"
"Because I’m drunk!"

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 3

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas,
wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

Me neither!

Every day when he went to the stable to ride his horse,
John, he would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy,
how's everything today?" before he'd bridle the horse.
One day he started the usual, "Hey there, John ..."
when, to his surprise, the horse interrupted, saying
"For months now, you've been walking in here and
saying, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything
today?' I want you to know I'm sick of it. You never
wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"
With that, the horse took off running. Shocked, the
owner took off after the horse, trying to catch it.
Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a
while the man, exhausted, stopped to rest at the side
of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped
his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came
back, also now breathless, and sat down beside him.
The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk
before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog.