DO NOT CONFUSE YOUR CREATOR

A 75-year-old woman went into life or death surgery, and she wasn't sure she would make it through. During the surgery,she had a vision. She saw and spoke to God. 
She asked him,"How much time do I have to live?"
 
He said, "You have 35 years left."
 
So that following year she had all kinds of cosmetic
surgery. She had face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped,liposuction -- she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years, she was going to look young again. After all these were done and she was discharged from the hospital, she was hit by a cab and was killed instantly.
 
When she entered eternity she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years. Why did you let that cab hit me?"
 
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
 
 Courtesy: otchurch.

WANT THEM BACK

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

SIGNS OF AN IDEAL BASKETBALL COACH

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"