In The News!

Las Vegas just opened the world's tallest Ferris wheel,
which is 550 feet high. They say it's the perfect place
to take your kids -- and then leave them while you hit
the blackjack table.
(Jimmy Fallon)
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"Middle class" now means that you can afford a full sized
SUV instead of a compact car. To live in.


The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and
his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the
house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine,
Belarus ...
(Seth Meyers)
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Police in Venice, Italy have arrested violent
separatists who built a makeshift tank. Unfortunately
for the activists, they didn't take their location
into account. They probably should have come up with
a weapon that floats a little better than a tank.
(Jim Barach)

How much is enough!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."
"A divorce?!?"
"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."
"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"
"Ninety."
"And your husband?"
"Irving? Ninety-two next month."
"And how long have you been married?"
"Tomorrow, 70 years"
"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"
"Enough is enough."

Please don't let out the secret!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"
"I know that You created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, especially that hilarious snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll
lie and be vain. All in all he'll give you a
dificult time, but he'll be bigger and faster
and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good
things to eat. I'll create him so that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like playing
cards and knocking a ball around. He won't be
as smart as you, so he will also need your
advice to think properly".
"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised
eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"
"Well .. you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"Since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring,
you will have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."