Long Happy Life!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never
exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

The Clever Woman!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

How to increase productivity

A large corporation hired several cannibals to
increase their diversity, "You are all part of
our team now," said the Human Resources rep
during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please
don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later their boss remarked, "You're
all working very hard and I'm satisfied with
your performance. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's productivity.
However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads No.
After the boss left, the cannibal leader said
to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate
the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You
fool!" the leader continued. "For all this
time we've been eating managers and no one
noticed anything. But now, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does work!!"