Collected Gems – 5

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."

Fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-
strong.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Protestants:  Worker ants out to overthrow the queen.
Concentrate: A special penny postage rate available
only to prisoners at federal prisons.

Humour is for enjoyment

My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby
to see him, and he determined right away that the
baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for
ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two
drops in right ear every four hours" abbreviating
"right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with
her baby, complaining that the baby still had an
earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
instructions on the label as: "Put two drops in
R ear every four hours."

Collected Gems – 4

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or
surgical?"
 
"I don't know what you mean."
 
"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by
moron.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.
 
It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.