Nuggets of laughter

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The
next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we
entered her house, instead of the expected smile, she
said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"




"Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?"

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

Gems For All

I'm going to retire and live off my saving.
What I'll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm not fat. I'm just "easy to see."

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, just to
surprise my liver.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or
trying to run me over.

Dealing with some people is like playing soccer:
You can use your head but a swift kick is more
effective.

Marriage should be like a workshop: He works and
I shop.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with
a joke. So I put my paycheck on the first slide.

Did you know ... Chocolate makes your clothes
shrink?

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can
still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

Schoolmate!

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."