How much is enough!

Rivka Baumgarten tottered into a lawyer's office. "I vant
a divorce."
"A divorce?!?"
"You hoid me, sonny! A divorce."
"Mrs. Baumgarten. How old are you?"
"Ninety."
"And your husband?"
"Irving? Ninety-two next month."
"And how long have you been married?"
"Tomorrow, 70 years"
"Seventy years? Why ... why a divorce now?"
"Enough is enough."

Please don't let out the secret!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"
"I know that You created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, especially that hilarious snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll
lie and be vain. All in all he'll give you a
dificult time, but he'll be bigger and faster
and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good
things to eat. I'll create him so that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like playing
cards and knocking a ball around. He won't be
as smart as you, so he will also need your
advice to think properly".
"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised
eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"
"Well .. you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"Since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring,
you will have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."

Where were you when I got married?

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"