The Clever Woman!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

How to increase productivity

A large corporation hired several cannibals to
increase their diversity, "You are all part of
our team now," said the Human Resources rep
during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please
don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
A few weeks later their boss remarked, "You're
all working very hard and I'm satisfied with
your performance. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's productivity.
However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads No.
After the boss left, the cannibal leader said
to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate
the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You
fool!" the leader continued. "For all this
time we've been eating managers and no one
noticed anything. But now, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does work!!"

Never Ever Lose Your Cell Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
 "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who's phone is this?"