Wonderful vision!

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you're aloft?"
"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don't see how you land!"
"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

Courtesy: Aaron Endelman

Was Not There Yesterday!

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."

FORGOT HER BACON!

Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"
"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.
"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."
"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.
"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.
"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.
"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"