The Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied. "This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asked, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," said the other guy. "You see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needed only the one golf ball, the friend asked, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replied, "I found it."

CELEBRITY RESTAURANT

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

A teacher was asked to fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, "Give two reasons for entering the teaching profession."
The teacher wrote, "July and August."

In the News:

It happened again. Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary."

An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.


It's United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost
institution for drafting strongly worded letters.

Sacred Duty

An organization of University of North Carolina athletic boosters expressed shock and outrage today over a report that a few members of U.N.C. sports teams may have taken real classes, despite the widespread availability of fake ones. A spokesman for the university was quick to say that the cases of athletes taking real classes appeared to be "isolated incidents, but as a university, it is our sacred duty to protect our athletes from education. We can -- and we must -- do better."

The Invisible Man!

The Invisible Man's favorite soup: vanishing cream of mushroom

The Invisible Man's favorite drink: evaporated milk

The Invisible Man's favorite game: Etch A Sketch, because it makes images disappear

The Invisible Man's favorite article of clothing: See-Through Panty Hose

The Invisible Man's favorite letter of the alphabet: W, because it turns "here" into "where?"

When one engine fails on a multi-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Black Death

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby.

"Nuns ... with scissors."

Made For Each Other!!

They're perfectly matched ...
... he's a history professor and she likes dates.
... he's a comedian and her whole life is a joke.
... she's a clown and he looks funny.
... she likes to jog and he's on the run.
... she's a geologist and he has rocks in his head.
... she's a mermaid and there's something fishy about him.

I was asked to provide a reference for a former employee
who was infamous for doing nothing. On the form was the
question: "Was this person a steady worker?"
I entered, "Not just steady, but motionless".

Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newly Webs
-----
Q: Two men meet as one is going into a rest room and the other
is coming out. What are their nationalities?
A: One is Russian and the other is Finnish.
-----
All I can find is this old wrapping paper. Oh well, I guess
it'll have to do for the present.

I work for an airline reservations office and was describing
the rules for a deep-discount airfare to a customer. I ended
by saying "This fare doesn't allow any checked baggage."
"That's okay," the customer responded quickly. "Mine are
striped."

How to manage a Football Team!

The University of North Carolina football team has
announced plans to expand to three squads next year.
One squad will play offense, another will play defense
and the third will attend classes.

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

12 Step Program For The Do-It-Yourself Handyman
 
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break
off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid but it works, then
it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are
there, it's warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-
year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or
fuse; see if the tank is empty; try plugging it in or flipping
the switch.
7. If all else fails, just paint over it.
8. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm
clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working,
you've fixed it.
9. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
throwing sometimes DOES help.
10. If something looks level, it *is* level.
11. Except for washing machines. Even when six levels say
they're level, they're *never* level.
12. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Two blondes go bear hunting. On their way up they pass a
sign saying "Bear Left". So they turned around and went home.

"We [the English] have really everything in common with
America nowadays except, of course, language."