Gems For All

I'm going to retire and live off my saving.
What I'll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm not fat. I'm just "easy to see."

Sometimes I drink a glass of water, just to
surprise my liver.

I'm not sure if life is passing me by, or
trying to run me over.

Dealing with some people is like playing soccer:
You can use your head but a swift kick is more
effective.

Marriage should be like a workshop: He works and
I shop.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with
a joke. So I put my paycheck on the first slide.

Did you know ... Chocolate makes your clothes
shrink?

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can
still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

 Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

Schoolmate!

As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.
"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

Enjoy!

"You know why I never tell jokes while I'm skating? Because
the ice might crack up!" "Honey, you have nothing to worry about."


I was high on a ladder, when I saw a beautiful girl
below. Suddenly, I fell for her.


They claim you can lose weight by eating dry cereal
but I think they're flakes



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day
drinking beer.