Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 1

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

Skip it!

The doctor puts the overweight blonde on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regular meals for two days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for a month. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost over twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow
my instructions?"
"Yes. I'll tell you, though, Doctor, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

Sarcastic Grucho Marx - 3

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Ice Water? Get some Onions. That'll make your
eyes water!
Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live
long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is
missing a lot.
Blood's not thicker than money.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll
be glad to make an exception.