Collected Gems - 10

Nursery school teacher to class: "If you don't
stop running all over the class, sit quietly
and calm down, I'm going to call the police!"
"Yeah, what's our crime?"
"Resisting a rest."

Irate customer to Post Office clerk: "I went out this
morning and when I came home, I found a card saying
the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was
home. I'll have you know my husband was in all
morning! He never heard a thing!"
"I'm terribly sorry, madam. Here's your package."
"Oh good! We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it, if you don't mind me asking?"
"It's my husband's new hearing aid."

When Daddy Cooks!

One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

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Collected Gems - 8

Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a
dress for a ridiculous price has actually
bought it for an absurd figure.

When Mother was ill, Father volunteered to go to
the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a
carefully numbered list. Dad returned shortly,
very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
 

 He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three
hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of
crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.