Collected Gems - 1

"I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A Russian magazine is running a contest for the
funniest Putin joke. First prize is twenty years.
Her doctor told my neighbor's wife she could no
longer touch anything alcoholic. So she divorced
him.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.  

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

These Acronyms will make U laugh

AOL

Always off line

ISDN

It Still Does Nothing

APPLE

Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI

System Can't See It

DOS

Defective Operating System

BASIC

Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

DEC

Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM

Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly

OS/2

Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW

World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH

Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM

Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math

COBOL

Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA

A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP

Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis

MIPS

Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT

Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

So Punctual!

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
Sarah decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas
and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and
resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the
doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her
date.
He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two
hours late and she's still not ready?"
 
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle