Him! And Him! And Him!

The minister and the church board called a special meeting of the congregation to explain some desperate needs of the building that had to be fixed before winter set in - roof, boiler, etc. "The board approved that we should take a special offering today to get these repairs underway right away. As they pass the plates to you, I promise that the one who gives the greatest offering will be allowed to pick 3 hymns for next week's service."

The plates were passed and brought to the minister, who discovered a $1,000 bill on top. "Oh my!, how wonderful! Who gave this $1,000 bill?"

A little old lady in the back shyly raised her hand. "Oh Mabel, how generous you are! How blessed we are! Come up and let us thank you!"

When Mabel got to the front with all the applause of the congregation, the minister invited her to select the hymns she wanted.

Mabel slowly turned around to face the congregation, stretched out her arm and said, "I pick him! And him! And him! 

Courtesy:Steve Sanderson.

Satairic observations of Oscar Wilde will make u laugh

• Women are never disarmed by compliments.  Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
• All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
  No man does.  That's his.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
• If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it.
• In married life three is company and two is none.
• A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
• Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
• As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
• A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, so long as other women are looking on.
• She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
• A man's face is his autobiography.  A woman's face is her work of fiction.

ELEMENTARY!

Elementary school test question: "Name the four major
directions."
One student's answer: "Listen carefully. Write neatly.
Sit up straight. Raise your hand."

You know, today's appliances just can't compete with the
quality of those made years ago. For example, I've still
got the iron from when I was first married forty years
ago, and there’s not a thing wrong with it. Of course,
it's never been out of the box ...

With all the staff on vacation, the cemetery was able to
manage with a skeleton crew. But it was quite an
undertaking.
  
It's always sad when poor people try to bring cats along
for space travel. They often can't handle the Cat Astro
Fee.


I'm sick of those pesky stinging insect mounds in my
yard. I'm considering  a move to the Lesser Antilles.