WHO IS BETTER

2 guys talking...

Man 1: My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last 50 cents you're going to die of liver problems.

DUTIFUL!

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

Funny quips

• Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.
• I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal 
• flush and five people died.
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
• I spilled 'Spot' remover on my dog.  Now he's disappeared.
• Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
• Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
• Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar territory.