AMAZING AND HILARIOUS IF TRUE - PART 1

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :  

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

HUMOUR LACED WITH WITTICISM

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

HILARIOUS

Mechanical Engineers vs. Civil Engineers 
 
Q: What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers?
 
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build
targets.
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.