Sunday, 24 November 2013

Please don't let out the secret!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"

"I know that You created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, especially that hilarious snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that, Lord?"

"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll
lie and be vain. All in all he'll give you a
dificult time, but he'll be bigger and faster
and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good
things to eat. I'll create him so that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like playing
cards and knocking a ball around. He won't be
as smart as you, so he will also need your
advice to think properly".

"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised
eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"

"Well .. you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that, Lord?"

"Since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring,
you will have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."

Saturday, 23 November 2013

Where were you when I got married?


A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Friday, 22 November 2013

Secret of a long happy marriage!

The elderly couple had been married for more than
sixty years. They talked about everything. They
kept no secrets from each other... except that the
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that
she cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.

For all these years he had never thought about the
box, until one day the woman had a health scare and
decided she'd better sort out her affairs.

Following her instructions, the old man took the shoe
box down from the shelf and took it to his wife. She
agreed it was time that he should know what was in
the box.

When he opened it he found two beautifully crocheted
doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000.
He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother
told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times in all those years
of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and
happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said, "that explains the doilies,
but what about all this money? Where did it all come
from?"

"Oh, that. That's the money I made from selling the
doilies."

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Wrote a check!

There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

He knows you!

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Mother-in-law!

A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.
 

To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . 

Weren t you afraid? one of the workers asked the boy.
 

Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

Monday, 18 November 2013

The frickin' lion!

I took my son to the zoo. As we were walking around
viewing the animals in the nature compounds, he
pointed to a lion. "Look, Dad, there's a frickin'
lion!"

"What?"

"It's a frickin' lion!"

"Uhh ... how did you come up with that?"

"It's on the sign over there."

Sure enough, posted on the fence was a sign that read,
"African Lion."

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Long Happy Life!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never
exercise."

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

The Clever Woman!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Friday, 15 November 2013

How to increase productivity

A large corporation hired several cannibals to
increase their diversity, "You are all part of
our team now," said the Human Resources rep
during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please
don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

A few weeks later their boss remarked, "You're
all working very hard and I'm satisfied with
your performance. We have noticed a marked
increase in the whole company's productivity.
However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads No.

After the boss left, the cannibal leader said
to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate
the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You
fool!" the leader continued. "For all this
time we've been eating managers and no one
noticed anything. But now, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does work!!"


Thursday, 14 November 2013

Never Ever Lose Your Cell Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "

 "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who's phone is this?"


Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Man Vs. Woman!

The man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT ,

The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION ,

The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD ,

The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET .

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE ,

The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY ,

The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING .

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While the women STUCK to shopping.............. !!!

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Do you agree - 3

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Well done is better than well said .

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.

Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Monday, 11 November 2013

They live in clocks!

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next
question correctly, she would win the million
dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would
pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar
question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the
following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of
other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the
answer. And she was doubly on the spot because
she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-
Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope
that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to
be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her
friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving
Regis any answer except the one that her friend had
given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the
cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into
a sweat.

"I have to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely
correct. You are a millionaire!"

Shortly afterward, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped
her win the million dollar answer.

"I just do not know how to thank you. Because of your
knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was
the assuredness with which you answered the question
that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!"

"But tell me ... how did you happen to know the right
answer?"

"Oh, come on! Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks."

Courtesy: ArcaMax.com

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Food for thought!


When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
 
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
 
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
 
What do women want to be liberated from?

The average man's life consists of :
 
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
 
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
 
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Do you agree - 2

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.


If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Hard Realization!



A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. St.
Peter approaches and says "Can I help you?"

The man replies "No thanks." He continues to stand
on the clouds.

"Are you sure I can't help you?"

"No. That's fine."

A short time later St. Peter approaches the man
again. "Look, you do realize that if you're here,
you're dead -- right?"

"Oh I realize that. I'm just waiting for the Medics
down there to realize that."

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Do You Agree - 1

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

What a puzzle!

One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture ofthat tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Learn your Geography!

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.
 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
 

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Tit Bits

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

Two men r talking. 1st: I got married coz I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry & wearing shabby clothes.
2nd: Amazing, I just got divorced for the very same reasons


What's the diff between Complete & Finished?
If you find good wife u r complete otherwise u r finished.


Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?
Man: I'm going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who'll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife...


Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I love u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll
kill u.



Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Never divulge your dreams!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".

Saturday, 2 November 2013

Tech Support - 5


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
 
Customer: I have a problem with my printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door,but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Friday, 1 November 2013

Non-believer!

On a sunny Sabbath afternoon in Miami Beach, two old
friends met for the first time in years. After an
exchange of the usual pleasantries, as they sat on a
beachfront bench, Jacob's expression grew somber and
he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go
to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer
believe in God?"

Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the
subject.

The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach
again."You must tell me, Shmuel, don't you believe in
our God any more?"

Shmuel replied, "Here is a straight answer to a
straight question. No, I don't."

"Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?"

"God forbid. On Sabbath?"

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Tech Support - 4

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
 

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the
computer?
 

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
 

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
paces back.
 

Customer: OK.
 

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
 

Customer: Yes
 

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Roller Skates!

Three guys die and go to heaven.

The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."

St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."

Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn't perfect, huh?"

St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don't worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."

Third guy too gets the same question.

The guy blushes a bit.

"C'mon," he says. "You know I wasn't the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."

"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don't worry about it. We'll let you have that bicycle over there."

A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.

Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you're driving a Rolls Royce, and everything's great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.

Guy no. 3 says, "That's great! So, what's the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Marketing Director!

When his yacht floundered in heavy seas the blond
radioed the Coast Guard for help. The Coast Guard
radioed back, "What is your position?"

"I'm marketing director of a medium-sized software
company."

___________________

_We are in the same biz

The minister waited in line to have his car filled
with gas just before Labor Day weekend. The
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him
toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man,
"I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for
a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."

Monday, 28 October 2013

See the World!

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days,
I went to the squadron command master chief to complain.
"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but
for the past three months all I've seen is water."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is
covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that.
If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have
joined the Army."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest, "Humor in Uniform"


Sunday, 27 October 2013

CATererians!

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will walk on your keyboard."

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats
have never forgotten this."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through snow."

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get
back to you later."

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to
a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered
from insomnia."

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next
life."

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats."

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom
of cats is infinitely superior."

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there
to welcome me."

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats."

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends
with strange cats."

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him
sometimes."


Courtesy: BWJokes

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Tech Support - III

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
 

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend won at the State
Fair.

Friday, 25 October 2013

Legal Evil U May Like!


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wanted to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse.

 
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
 
"No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Tech Support - 2

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coworker do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five asterisks.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Immortals!


OLD AIR CONDITIONER REPAIRMEN never die, they just
lose their cool

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.

OLD AUTO MECHANICS never die, they just retire.

OLD BANKERS never die they just lose interest.

OLD BOWLERS never die they just end up in the gutter.

OLD CARDIOLOGISTS never die, they just lose heart.




OLD COWBOYS never die, they just get the boot.
OLD CREDIT CARD USERS never die, they just get
discharged.

OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull.

OLD DOCTORS never die they just lose their patience.

OLD DRY CLEANERS never die, they just get depressed.

OLD EGYPTIANS never die, they remain in denial.


Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Tech Support - Enjoy!!!


Tech Support caller: "Can you give me the
telephone number for Jack?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are
talking about."

"I need to clean my fax machine."

"I still don't understand."

"On page 10 section 5 of the user guide it
clearly says that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now can you
please give me the telephone number for Jack?"




Monday, 21 October 2013

Choosing the right path!


This priest was with a dying man, the priest Whispering firmly, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order, Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Alphabates!

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What
about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 

Courtesy: Janice Beasley.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

"Show him your card!"

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."

In a wise-arse tone the Ag. representative said, "I have the authority of the U.S Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face. "This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."

The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.

Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every angry snort.

The farmer shouted, "Show him your card!''

Friday, 18 October 2013

Can't remember who she was!

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, ' The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'

The crowd was shocked. He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out '...and I can't remember who she was!

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Don't go for lab work and cat scan!

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.

After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Labrador sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The doctor handed the man a bill for $400. The dog's owner went crazy and said "$400! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Choco Cake Please!

"Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned
breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits."

"But, Mommy, you know I don't like eggs."

"You like pancakes don't you?"

"Yes."

"There are eggs in pancakes. You like French toast,
right?"

"Yes."

"There are eggs in French toast. There are eggs in a
lot of your favorite foods."

The next morning, Mom asked, "How do you want me to
cook the eggs?"

"In a chocolate cake, please."

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Personal Web Sight!

I had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother
had prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the
chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative
handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and
lightbulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's
the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web
sight!"


Courtesy: FranCMT2.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Qualities of Men as evaluated by the Women

1. Men are like Laxatives 
They irritate the crap out of you. 

2. Men are like Weather 
Nothing can be done to change 
them. 

3. Men are like  Blenders 
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.. 

4. Men are like Commercials 
You can't believe a word they say. 

5. Men are like  Department Stores 
Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 

6. Men are like  Government Bonds 
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

7. Men are like  Mascara 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 

8. Men are like  Popcorn 
They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

9. Men are like Lava Lamps 
Fun to look at, but not very bright. 

10. Men are like  Parking Spots 
All the good ones are taken, the rest are 
handicapped.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Left-handed!

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you
marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I
think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Courtesy: Fran CMT2.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Modern Lexicon!

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool on the other.



Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes
of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through the minds of either.



Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water power


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and everybody disagrees later on


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office: A place where you go to relax after your
strenuous home life


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Laugh And Enjoy Grandpa's Answering Machine

At present we are not at home. If you are one of
our children, dial 1 followed by the order of
"birth arrival" so we know who it is.



If you need us to stay with your kids, press 2.


If you want to borrow the car, press 3.


If you want us to wash your clothes and do the
ironing, press 4.



If you want the grandchildren to sleep here
tonight, press 5.



If you want us to pick up the kids at school,
press 6.



If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or
to deliver it to your home, press 7.



If you want to come to eat here, press 8.


If you need money, press 9.


If you are going to invite us to dinner, a
movie or a show, start talking. We are]
listening!"


Courtesy: Daily Humour

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Laugh heartily - 2

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain
consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health ... when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!



Courtesy: Arca Max

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Caution! is the word



There was an unexpected knock on my door, and as I
always do I first opened the peephole and asked,
"Who's there?" "UPS, ma'am. I have a package that
needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously.

The delivery man held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break
into your house, I'd probably just use these." And
he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Scientific thoughts!

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the
people there have to live in other places.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still
knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let
them know we know they are there.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a
dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Laugh heartily - 1


Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy
can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've
forgotten my e-mail password, my address, my mother's
maiden name and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day. I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen, lady ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing. And then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?!? That's my idea of a perfect day!

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying
a noose around your neck?

Courtesy: Arca Max

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Collected Gems - 9



Overheard in a vision center: "I'm returning
glasses I bought for my husband."

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"He's still not seeing things my way."


"A thousand elephants a year are used to
make ivory keys for pianos."

"It's amazing that big animals can be
trained to do such fine work ..."