Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 4

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak
to her and she doesn't speak to me.

"What do you use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

I'm Drunk!

The trooper stops a car that's swerving all over
the road. "Step out of the car. I am going to
need you to take a breathalyzer test."
"I can't. You see, I have very bad asthma, and
blowing into that thing can set off an attack."
"All right. Then you're going to have to take a
blood test."
"I Can’t do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If a
wound is opened I could bleed to death."
"Okay. I will need a urine sample."
"Sorry, I also have diabetes. That could push my
sugar count really low."
"Fine. So just get out of the car and walk a
straight line for me."
"I can't do that either."
"Why in the world not??!"
"Because I’m drunk!"

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 3

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas,
wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

Me neither!

Every day when he went to the stable to ride his horse,
John, he would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy,
how's everything today?" before he'd bridle the horse.
One day he started the usual, "Hey there, John ..."
when, to his surprise, the horse interrupted, saying
"For months now, you've been walking in here and
saying, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything
today?' I want you to know I'm sick of it. You never
wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"
With that, the horse took off running. Shocked, the
owner took off after the horse, trying to catch it.
Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a
while the man, exhausted, stopped to rest at the side
of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped
his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came
back, also now breathless, and sat down beside him.
The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk
before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog.

Sure way to find parking space!

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand,and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a  stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at  him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."
 
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."
"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"
 
Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
 
Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said,
"I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."
 
Courtesy: Becky Day.

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 2

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory,
he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon.
My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the
phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

It was love at first sight.
Then I took a second look !!

Spelling Mistake!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Sarcastic Grucho Marx - 4

Don't look now, but there's one too many in
this room and I think it's you.
 
[as Dr. Quackenbush taking a pulse] Either this
man is dead or my watch has stopped.
 
From the moment I picked your book up until I
laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
 
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot
but don't let that fool you. He really is an
idiot
 
How do you feel about women's rights? I like
either side of them.
 
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago.
I shot my broker.

What an unique Lover!

A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover ?"

"A lover!!" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov... Lover... Oh, my God!"



She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door.

She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 1

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

Skip it!

The doctor puts the overweight blonde on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regular meals for two days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for a month. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five
pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost over twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow
my instructions?"
"Yes. I'll tell you, though, Doctor, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

Sarcastic Grucho Marx - 3

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Ice Water? Get some Onions. That'll make your
eyes water!
Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live
long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is
missing a lot.
Blood's not thicker than money.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll
be glad to make an exception.

Why want to live long?

I recently started with a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I asked him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine
or hard liquor?
"Oh no. I'm not doing drugs, either."
"Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?"
"Not much ... I try to stay away from red meat."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"
"No, not at all."
"Then why would you want to live to 90?"

Enjoy Grucho Marx - 2

Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel
the breeze from here!

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage
does.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a
plastic surgeon.

There's only one way to find out if a man is honest:
ask him. If he says yes, you know he's a crook.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I
quit: retire!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I
have others.



Courtesy: BW Jokes

Another Winter!

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and
asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena
even served them a nice meal at noon time.
The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole,
"Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this
bad news in person instead of by letter."
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we
discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in
Wisconsin!"
Ole looked at Lea and said, "That's the best news I have
heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I
don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
 
Courtesy: Becky Day.

Lord! Have Mercy! He is going into Politics!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting high time  the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men of his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem  too concerned about it.

 One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an  experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four  objects:

1. A Bible,
2. A silver dollar,
3. A bottle of whiskey,
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he  entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his  books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for  several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his  arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He  uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's  centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher prayed. "He's going into politics!!"

How each one spoils the other!

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese.
 
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like cheddar cheese.
 
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like bleu cheese but you never bought bleu cheese.

Enjoy Grucho Marx - 1

I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the
library and read a book.

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my
resignation. I don't care to belong to any club
that will have me as a member.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of
extreme poverty.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How
he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who
wants to live in an institution?

Courtesy:BW Jokes

Eligible to Bless!

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've
been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard
where I work."
"How much did you take?"
"Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And
houses for my two daughters and our cottage at the
lake."
"This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-
reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a
retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the
blueprints, I can get the lumber."

Returned With Thanks!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.

Collected Gems - 10

Nursery school teacher to class: "If you don't
stop running all over the class, sit quietly
and calm down, I'm going to call the police!"
"Yeah, what's our crime?"
"Resisting a rest."

Irate customer to Post Office clerk: "I went out this
morning and when I came home, I found a card saying
the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was
home. I'll have you know my husband was in all
morning! He never heard a thing!"
"I'm terribly sorry, madam. Here's your package."
"Oh good! We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it, if you don't mind me asking?"
"It's my husband's new hearing aid."

When Daddy Cooks!

One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

---

Collected Gems - 8

Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a
dress for a ridiculous price has actually
bought it for an absurd figure.

When Mother was ill, Father volunteered to go to
the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a
carefully numbered list. Dad returned shortly,
very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
 

 He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three
hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of
crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Not in my life-time

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.
Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"
God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."
Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?"
Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."
Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered quickly and with a firm voice: "Not in my life-time."

Be ware of loving moms

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he
stopped, she stopped. And she kept staring at
him.
 She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease, it's just that you look so much like my
late son."

"That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would
make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she
was on her way out of the store, the man called
out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How could it be so much? I only bought five
items!"
"Your Mother said you'd be paying for her
things too."
Courtesy: ArcaMax

Collected Gems – 7

"I'm shorter now than I was when I was younger."
"Of course you are. After all, you got married and
settled down."

"My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at
a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about
all the bargains you found."
"Normally, yes. But he just broke his leg and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have
it set."

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't
come in when you call, they like to stay out all
night and when they're home they like to be left
alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a
man, they love in a cat.

Who is Stupid!

"For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match."

Collected Gems – 6

Semiconductors: Part time orchestra leaders or part
time ticket-takers on trains

The attorney's client had been called out of town
and was unable to be present when the jury returned
its verdict in his favor. The lawyer immediately
texted his client, "Justice has triumphed!" The client texted back, "Appeal at once!"

A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The
maitre'd greets him at the counter and says, "I'm
terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available
at this time." "That's okay," replies the Indian,
"I have a reservation."

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Collected Gems – 5

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."

Fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-
strong.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Protestants:  Worker ants out to overthrow the queen.
Concentrate: A special penny postage rate available
only to prisoners at federal prisons.

Humour is for enjoyment

My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby
to see him, and he determined right away that the
baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for
ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two
drops in right ear every four hours" abbreviating
"right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with
her baby, complaining that the baby still had an
earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
instructions on the label as: "Put two drops in
R ear every four hours."

Collected Gems – 4

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or
surgical?"
 
"I don't know what you mean."
 
"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by
moron.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.
 
It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Right Candidate!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
 
"Look, miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
 
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."
 
 Courtesy: FranCMT2.

Collected Gems – 3

"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."

Meeting: An event at which minutes are kept and
hours are lost.

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a
vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious
way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.

The New York City Department of Education says that only
26 percent of the city’s students passed the English
portion of a recent standardized test. But on the bright
side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

Story of an ingenious Shepherd!

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote
pasture when a brand-new BMW emerges out of a
dust cloud.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you
have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure,
why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad
and launches the GPS app to get an exact fix
on his location. He feeds that to a NASA
Web site that returns an ultra-high-resolution
photo of the area. The young man opens the
picture in Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email that the
image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an ODBC-
connected spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email and after a few minutes receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 50 page
report on his miniaturized Laser printer. With
the document in hand, he says to the shepherd,
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one
of my sheep."
The young man selects one of the animals and
stuffs it into his car.
The shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if
I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back the animal?"
"Sure, why not?"
"You're a consultant."
"Wow! That's right. How did you guess that?"
"No guessing required. You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew to a question I
never asked; and you don't know anything about
my business. Now can I have my dog back?"
Courtesy: ArcaMax.com

Collected Gems – 2

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.  

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."

Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances.

How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store. 
You prefer gardening to watching television. 
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks. 
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride. 

What do you call two young married spiders?
Newly webs. 

Recruiting A Pilot!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
 

Collected Gems - 1

"I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A Russian magazine is running a contest for the
funniest Putin joke. First prize is twenty years.
Her doctor told my neighbor's wife she could no
longer touch anything alcoholic. So she divorced
him.

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.  

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

These Acronyms will make U laugh

AOL

Always off line

ISDN

It Still Does Nothing

APPLE

Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI

System Can't See It

DOS

Defective Operating System

BASIC

Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

DEC

Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM

Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly

OS/2

Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW

World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH

Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM

Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math

COBOL

Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA

A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP

Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis

MIPS

Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT

Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

So Punctual!

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
Sarah decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas
and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and
resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the
doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her
date.
He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two
hours late and she's still not ready?"
 
Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle

Him! And Him! And Him!

The minister and the church board called a special meeting of the congregation to explain some desperate needs of the building that had to be fixed before winter set in - roof, boiler, etc. "The board approved that we should take a special offering today to get these repairs underway right away. As they pass the plates to you, I promise that the one who gives the greatest offering will be allowed to pick 3 hymns for next week's service."

The plates were passed and brought to the minister, who discovered a $1,000 bill on top. "Oh my!, how wonderful! Who gave this $1,000 bill?"

A little old lady in the back shyly raised her hand. "Oh Mabel, how generous you are! How blessed we are! Come up and let us thank you!"

When Mabel got to the front with all the applause of the congregation, the minister invited her to select the hymns she wanted.

Mabel slowly turned around to face the congregation, stretched out her arm and said, "I pick him! And him! And him! 

Courtesy:Steve Sanderson.

Satairic observations of Oscar Wilde will make u laugh

• Women are never disarmed by compliments.  Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
• All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
  No man does.  That's his.
• Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
• If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it.
• In married life three is company and two is none.
• A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
• Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
• As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
• A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, so long as other women are looking on.
• She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
• A man's face is his autobiography.  A woman's face is her work of fiction.

ELEMENTARY!

Elementary school test question: "Name the four major
directions."
One student's answer: "Listen carefully. Write neatly.
Sit up straight. Raise your hand."

You know, today's appliances just can't compete with the
quality of those made years ago. For example, I've still
got the iron from when I was first married forty years
ago, and there’s not a thing wrong with it. Of course,
it's never been out of the box ...

With all the staff on vacation, the cemetery was able to
manage with a skeleton crew. But it was quite an
undertaking.
  
It's always sad when poor people try to bring cats along
for space travel. They often can't handle the Cat Astro
Fee.


I'm sick of those pesky stinging insect mounds in my
yard. I'm considering  a move to the Lesser Antilles.

Laugh at the wisdom !

Two blondes were riding around looking for a place to
have a picnic. One blonde said, "Hey, lets have a
picnic over there under that tree."
"No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road."
They finally decided to have the picnic in the center
of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding
towards them, saw them picnicking on the road directly
ahead, swerved off the road and ran into the tree.
The second blonde said, "See? If we were over there,
we'd be dead right now."

God Bless U!

May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator, Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour, and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.

AMEN.

How to get better grades!

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her
on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my
daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going
to get a spanking."

Courtesy:Pastor Tim

"Hey, Dad, good news!" "Oh?" "Remember you promised to pay me ten dollars if I passed
math?" "Yes ... ?" "Well, I spared you the expense!"
 

Why God Never Received Tenure

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Enjoy the Satire

Studies show American students are becoming less
proficient in math. Experts say we should have
seen this coming, but nobody could put two and
two together.

 Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your "X".
She's never coming back.
And don't ask "Y".

My dental appointment was two weeks after my husband's,
and our dentist noticed that we had both needed work on
the same tooth.
"He and I have a lot in common after 32 years of
marriage," I said.
"But this is more than a coincidence," the dentist
noted. "It must be dental telepathy."
 
  Q: What's the difference between an etymologist\
and an entomologist?
A: The etymologist knows the difference

Do U like Satire - Last Part

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

Courtesy : Martha Northrup

How to enjoy satire!

"What's the quickest way to town?"
"Are you walking or driving?"
"Driving."
"That's the quickest way."

Texas Governor Rick Perry is considering calling a
special session of the legislature to aid enticing
businesses to move to Texas by repealing Ohm's law.
Texas political analysts predict it will pass with
very little resistance. (Stan Kegel)


"You're back early. I thought you went to the
racetrack."
"I did."
"But you told me you were broke."
"I am. I just made mental bets."
"How did you do?"
"I lost my mind."(Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Blonde 911 caller: "My water broke!"
"Stay calm. Now, how far apart are your contractions?"
"No contractions, but my basement is flooding fast!"

A botanist working in South America claims to have
discovered a nomadic tree. It just packs up its
trunk and leaves.

The minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had
sent to him via an usher. The note read, "Bill Jones
having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of
the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his
audience by announcing, "Bill Jones, having gone to
see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation
for his safety."

A blonde walks into a donut shop. "Excuse me, miss.
How many cups of coffee will this Thermos hold?"
"I think it's a five cup Thermos."
"Great! Give me two black and three cream and sugar."

Daily Humour