Monday, 31 December 2012

FEMALE BRAIN


20% Jewellery
 

20% Shopping
 

20% Money
 

20% Enjoyment
 

10% Household chores
 

10% Other

Saturday, 29 December 2012

MISSING - GOAT NO. 3

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school building.


Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.


Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

EASY WAY TO GET FIRED

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
 

"Everyone thought I was the foreman."
 Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

KNOWS EVERYTHING !

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes.
Excellent condition. $500 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required. Son turned fourteen
last week. Now knows everything.

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

CLASSIC INTELLIGENCE

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your
helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my
country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He
grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow


Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

SEARCHING FOR THE MISSING ONE

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."
Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The police department."
Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother,
father, the fire department AND the police department
are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT
are they doing?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

Monday, 24 December 2012

THE VENERABLE ECONOMIST

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. 

"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

Saturday, 22 December 2012

TAX DEDUCTED AT SOURCE

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Friday, 21 December 2012

BANKING BY A SENIOR CITIZEN

A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client


Collected:

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

DO NOT CONFUSE YOUR CREATOR

A 75-year-old woman went into life or death surgery, and she wasn't sure she would make it through. During the surgery,she had a vision. She saw and spoke to God. 
She asked him,"How much time do I have to live?"
 

He said, "You have 35 years left."
 

So that following year she had all kinds of cosmetic
surgery. She had face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped,liposuction -- she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years, she was going to look young again. After all these were done and she was discharged from the hospital, she was hit by a cab and was killed instantly.

 

When she entered eternity she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years. Why did you let that cab hit me?"
 

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
 

 Courtesy: otchurch.

WANT THEM BACK

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

SIGNS OF AN IDEAL BASKETBALL COACH

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" 

Monday, 17 December 2012

ENGINEERING VERSUS MANAGEMENT

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." 

Courtesy: Clifford Huntington.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

YOU HAVE TO STAND IN LINE !

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. 

Attributed to: W Craig Trader

Saturday, 15 December 2012

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEORY & PRACTICE

In theory the difference between practice and theory is due to practical considerations that theorists find it impractical to fit into their theories.

In practice, theory uses the practice of theorising about practical matters, while not noticing that the theoretical method practically distorts the theory beyond application to practice.

Theoretically then the practical facts are that the theory is in practice good for predicting what happens in theory, but impractical as a theory with direct implications for practice, except where theory states that the practice is sufficiently close to the theory to make any difference for all practical purposes theoreticaly zero.

In practice this does not happen very often. 

Collected:

Friday, 14 December 2012

HOW TO AVOID LUNG-DISEASE

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

 
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

 
"Which word?" her husband asked.

"
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.


NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary i which is supposed to mean lung-disease;
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico
volcanoconiosis (45 letters).
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
 

Thursday, 13 December 2012

TERRIBLE SUNDAY!

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when
he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and
quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did
you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have
bowls of it."

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

NEEDS TIME TO PUT ON SHOES

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants
to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests
a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!
A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean
the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
dried, and put away; the counter tops cleaned; the
appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely
amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The
carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted;
the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The
man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no
centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty
minutes later, no centipede.

By this point, the man is wondering what's going on. So he
goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede
sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45
minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"

The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting
on my shoes!"

 

 Courtesy: Crosswalk.com.

INNER PEACE!


If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,   

Then You Are Probably ......  
The Family Dog.

I


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 10 December 2012

BIRTH OF NOBLE PEAS PRIZE

Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamt of ending world hunger.
After years of research, his hard work paid off. He
developed a strain of peas that would grow virtually
anywhere. It grew fast, kept long without spoiling, and was
more nutritious than even soybeans. He was an instant hero,
world wide.

 

There were awards and parades, and naturally the new strain
of peas was named Noble. After enjoying the fame and fortune
for a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more, so he
established a fund to award a monetary prize each year to
botanists and horticulturists who were making significant
contributions to their fields.

 

Thus was born the famous Noble Peas Prize.
 

(By Perfect Tommy)
 

 Courtesy: Stan Kegel.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

YOU WILL LOVE THIS

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
One. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
Patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
Thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
Look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
Didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you
Were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
Really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
Time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
Of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
Loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get
Married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean
We're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father,
"And cheap ones too."
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 8 December 2012

UNTASTED!

I was driving down the interstate in a rural area when a
chicken passed me doing 65 mph. I sped up and passed the
chicken. A few minutes later, the same bird passed me again;
this time he was doing 75 mph. Startled, I floored the
accelerator, got my car up to 85, and blew by the bird, for
good I thought. But sure enough, five minutes later he went
by me again. This time he passed me at 95 mph and made a
right turn off the freeway onto a farm next to the
interstate.

 

I immediately exited and drove up to the farmhouse and
knocked on the door. When the farmer opened the door, I told
the farmer of my experience with his speedy poultry and he
told me, "Oh, that must be one of my three-legged chickens!"

I asked, "How did you end up with three-legged chickens?"

He responded, "I have nine children. They all love
drumsticks, so I bred three-legged chickens to keep my kids
satisfied."

 


It sounded logical to me, so I curiously asked, "How do they
taste?"

 

The farmer answered, "Don't know -- can't catch 'em!"
 

 Courtesy: Peter Puleo.

Friday, 7 December 2012

OBEDIENT WIFE!

The FBI had an  opening for an assassin .
After all the  background checks, interviews

And testing were  done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a  woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large  metal door and handed Him a gun.

'We  must know that you will follow your

Instructions no  matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife  sitting

In a chair ... . .  Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my  wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take  your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5  minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't  kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and  go home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same  instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on  the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there  stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded  with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the  chair.' 


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

NOT THE FIRST ONE

When I discovered my first gray hair, I immediately wrote to
my parents:

 

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to
experience this with me too."

 

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
 

My father's response was in the form of a poem:
 

It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.

 

He signed off with this observation:
 

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
 

 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Monday, 3 December 2012

SPIRITUAL(!) UPLIFTMENT








Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


  "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

~Frank Sinatra


 
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman


 
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright


 
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke


 
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin


 
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

 
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~
Dave Howell

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup







Thursday, 29 November 2012

SENIORS DO HAVE GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR

Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 


 LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.  

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

 WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

 BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.  

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. My favorite...

. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup 

Monday, 26 November 2012

The original computer!!!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
 

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

 A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 

Courtesy : Martha Northrup

Saturday, 24 November 2012

DO YOU AGREE





If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow


Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown


Politicians are people, who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~
 John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from  the other. ~
 Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ 
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
 ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians
~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
 ~ Doug Larson

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Senators.
 ~ Will Rogers

Thursday, 22 November 2012

UNDER COVER C(R)OPS !

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes
quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief

asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.


"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.


"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of

undercover crops."
 


Courtesy:Stan Kegel.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

CHANGE YOUR PRIORITY

My parents are both busy professional people and have
trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On
weekends they each make a list of things to be done.
Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's
always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the

chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it
off!"
 

Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Now Blond Men - II

 A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
 "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
 

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

 A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
 His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 "Here boy!" he replies.

 A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
 "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
 "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".


 An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."  
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 16 November 2012

Now Blond Men !

 A friend told a blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
 One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
 
 A blond man  is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
 
  A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
 The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
 

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. 
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Dear All

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma stinks.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo!
it." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there
because some Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got
a little busy, OK?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
 


 Courtesy: nat.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Win 2 Lose

The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew
to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The
decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how
unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of
car wheels in less than four seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races
are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would
thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only

were the lads changing the tires in under four seconds, but
within another ten seconds had also repainted, renumbered,
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
 

 Courtesy: Steve Sanderson.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Kept Him Awake

Two CPAs were returning home from a client meeting. They
took the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty tax problem
that had been the subject of their client meeting through
takeoff and meal service.

Finally, one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to

trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one CPA said to the other that it was

the first time a tax discussion ever kept anyone awake.
 Courtesy: Clean-Laffs.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Simply Hilarious


To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read:
'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it.


One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.


Courtesy: Martha Northrup 

Friday, 9 November 2012

Brief Blond Blurbs



 Two blondes living in the Midwest were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly..
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' 

Courtesy: Randy C.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Too Impressive !

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank
and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the

menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a

fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man
confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe
Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

 


 Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Facts R Sometimes Funny - II


  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  • Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
  • Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
  • Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
    A. One thousand
  • Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
    A. All were invented by women.
  • Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
  • Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' ... It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
  • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramiccups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Amusing People - II



A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 5 November 2012

Amusing People


 I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"


Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"


I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her response....click.


A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of  L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.


A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."


I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Some More Blonde Blurbs


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Hilarious Comments U Will Enjoy


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9.Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his fiancee takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
      
Courtesy: Martha Northrup
 

Friday, 2 November 2012

Virtues Of An Avid Golfer


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband
calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good
golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"


He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?

Courtesy : Martha Northrup

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Mother of all Blunders

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot
camp. The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the
best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his
gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier
in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly

shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000
ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all
down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he
descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect
landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to

the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did
I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one

velly impoltant mistake!"
 

Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Facts R Sometimes Funny


  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 
  • Coca-Cola was originally green. 
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
  • The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
  • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    Spades - King David
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Clubs - Alexander, the Great
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar
         Courtesy :  Randy C.