A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist asks, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

"Yes, ma'am. But none to point out while I'm driving this bus

Wake-up call!

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

Pragmatic!

Pete's wife went to the newspaper to have them run her
husband's obituary. The newsman said, "It's a dollar a
word. I remember Pete and it's too bad about him passing
away."
"Thank you for the kind words. I only have two dollars,
so I guess we'll just write, "Pete died."
"I tell you what -- since Pete was such a nice guy I'll
give you three more words at no charge."
"Thank you very much. That's extremely kind of you.
Please make it say 'Pete died. Boat for sale'."