Please don't let out the secret!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"
"I know that You created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, especially that hilarious snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of
apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I
shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that, Lord?"
"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll
lie and be vain. All in all he'll give you a
dificult time, but he'll be bigger and faster
and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good
things to eat. I'll create him so that he will
satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless
and will revel in childish things like playing
cards and knocking a ball around. He won't be
as smart as you, so he will also need your
advice to think properly".
"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised
eyebrows, "but what's the catch?"
"Well .. you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord?"
"Since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring,
you will have to let him believe that I made him
first. And it will have to be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."

Where were you when I got married?

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.The man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Secret of a long happy marriage!

The elderly couple had been married for more than
sixty years. They talked about everything. They
kept no secrets from each other... except that the
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that
she cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
For all these years he had never thought about the
box, until one day the woman had a health scare and
decided she'd better sort out her affairs.
Following her instructions, the old man took the shoe
box down from the shelf and took it to his wife. She
agreed it was time that he should know what was in
the box.
When he opened it he found two beautifully crocheted
doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000.
He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother
told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had
only been angry with him two times in all those years
of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and
happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said, "that explains the doilies,
but what about all this money? Where did it all come
from?"
"Oh, that. That's the money I made from selling the
doilies."