DUTIFUL!

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

Funny quips

• Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.
• I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal 
• flush and five people died.
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
• I spilled 'Spot' remover on my dog.  Now he's disappeared.
• Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
• Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
• Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar territory.

What is ?

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"