Too Hungry!

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him, "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
 
The guru replies, "I'm feeling rather hungry right now.
You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Improve the environment

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a
trash basket at my church and posted above it this
suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
 
I should have been a little more specific, because when I
went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But
it was full of water.
 
 Courtesy: Mahmood Jawaid (via Reader's Digest)

21 Reasons Why English Is Hard To Learn – Last Part

1. The insurance was invalid for the invalid
2. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row
3. They were too close to the door to close it
4. The buck does funny things when does are present
5. A seamstress and a sewer fell down in a sewer line
6. To help with planting a farmer taught his sow to sow
7. The wind was too strong to wind the sail
8. After a number of injections my jaw got number
9. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear
10. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
11. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

21 Reasons Why English Is Hard To Learn – Part 1

1. The bandage was wound around the wound
2. The farm was used to produce produce
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse
4. We must polish the Polish furniture
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert
7. Since there was no time like the present he thought it was time to present the present
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes
10. I did not object to the object

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Pedestrians

My husband works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base,
and many of his co-workers complain about the superior
attitude of the pilots.
 
One day the fuel guys decided to put things in perspective
for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts
inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."
 
 Courtesy: Amber Anderson (via Reader's Digest)

LAUGH AND ENJOY THE HUMOUR

A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
-- ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?''
-- ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
-- ``What are these crosses?''
-- ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc (Agriculture).'''

AMAZING AND HILARIOUS IF TRUE - LAST PART

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it for months.  Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

What A Loving Wife!

NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs,but report any sightings to their nearest police station.
 
NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.
 

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago.'"
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

SARCASTIC HUMOUR ON POLITICS

During his recent visit to the UK Mikhail Gorbachev was taken on a tour of a typical British factory by the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher.
The tour started at 9:00 am and the factory was just starting to fill with employees...
GORBY: "What these people do?"
MAGGIE: "Oh, they are just starting work!"
GORBY: "AAAARRggghhh! In Russia, start at 5:00 am"
So, they walk around for a while, viewing some machinery and at 10:30 a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave.
G: "Where they go?"
M: "Oh, it is morning tea time. They have a break for 20 minutes."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! In Russia, no morning tea."
At 12:00 noon the two VIP's are viewing plans for a new factory and a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave, again.
G: "Where they go now?"
M: "Oh, it is lunch time. They take a break for an hour."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! One hour. In Russia, is ten minutes lunch."
At precisely 2:15 pm a hooter sounds, and again the workers leave the factory.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break, nyet?"
M: "Yes, another break. They get 20 minutes afternoon smoke!"
At 4:30 pm another hooter sounds and the factory grinds to a halt.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break?"
M: "No, they've finished for the day."
G: "In Russia start at 5:00 am, no breaks, ten minutes lunch, no breaks, work till 7:00 pm at night. Right through, no breaks. Why you not make them work harder?"
M: "Oh, we can't do that!"
G: "Why you can't make them work harder?"
M: "Because they're all communists."

LAUGH AND ENJOY

"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to
the little boy while holding out her hand.
 
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
 
 
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you
really expect me to believe that?"
 
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had
to force him, but he ate it!"
 
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

WITTICISM EVERYBODY WILL ENJOY

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, We re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?

The first guy said that he wasn t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.
 
The pro said, Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? The Priest said, Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I' ll marry them.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

AMAZING AND HILARIOUS IF TRUE - PART 1

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :  

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

HUMOUR LACED WITH WITTICISM

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

HILARIOUS

Mechanical Engineers vs. Civil Engineers 
 
Q: What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers?
 
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build
targets.
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

HILARIOUS ANECDOTE TO EVOKE A HEARTY LAUGHTER

Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.

CAUTION! INTERNET ADDICTION IS TERMINAL

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the Internet is an addictive agent that is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.
 
However, researchers go on to say that the Internet is
actually much more dangerous than these addictive
substances, since it is a terminal addiction.
 
 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

KEEP THEM IN GOOD HUMOR

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." 

Women are Angels And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly . . . usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

      Courtesy: Martha Northrup

HUMOROUS HEADLINES TO EVOKE LAUGHTER

Readers of New York magazine were asked to submit made-up headlines for tabloid newspapers.

Some of the suggestions:

"Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master"
 
"I Found Danny DeVito's Head in a Dumpster"
 
"Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth"
 
"Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall"
 
"Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons"
 
"Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin"
 
"Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save Master"
 
"Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland"
 
"Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall"

LAUGH AND LEARN HOW TO SAVE

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. 

His eventual response:

"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give you two dollars. Everybody wins."

LAUGH AND ENJOY

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."


Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes

HUMOROUS ANECDOTE FOR A HEARTY LAUGHTER

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

WITTY SATIRE - Oscar Wilde vs. Lewis Morris

Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship

                                      

                                                        Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Satire For Enjoyment

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."
And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."
 
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."
 
Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
 
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
 
They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
 
Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."  

Courtesy: Gary Sessions.

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARDS BEFORE YOU DIE!

A lady died this past January and Barclays Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance which had been ?0.00 is now somewhere around ?60.00.

A family member placed a call to Barclays Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Barclays:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to Collections.'

Barclays:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Barclays:
'Either report her account to the frauds division
or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Barclays:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you ... the part about her being dead?'

Barclays:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Barclays:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Barclays:
(Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Solicitor info. given)

Barclays:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Barclays:
'Our system just isn't set up for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Barclays:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Barclays:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Plot Number 1049,
Finchley Memorial Cemetery,
Great North Road,
Finchley, London .'

Barclays:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?

Courtesy: Martha Northrup
 

CAUTION IS THE WORD

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Witticism At Its Best - Pierre Trudeau vs. Richard Nixon

Pierre Trudeau vs. Richard Nixon, upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

DIFFICULT TO BEAT

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school
yard. Each was bragging about how great his father was.
The first one said, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He
can fire an arrow and start to run. I tell you, he gets
there before the arrow!"
 
The second one said, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father
is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the
bullet!"
 
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his
head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes, but MY DAD is the
fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30, and
he's home by 3:45!"
 
 Courtesy: Irene A. Mystery.

WHAT A DOCTOR - LAST PART

I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears. 
His advice:
"Don't answer it." 
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said, 
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought 
he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, 
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." 
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

WHAT A DOCTOR - PART I

MY DOCTOR... 


Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again. 
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realised she was Chinese.

~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the

doctor gave him another six months. 
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said,
"Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

ENJOY THE SATIRE

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town went on a tour
of Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the
financial district.

 When they arrived at Battery Park, the
guide showed the visitor some nice yachts anchoring there
and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and
stockbrokers."
 

"And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive
visitor.
Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

REPARTEE - CHURCHILL Vs LADY ASTOR

COURTESY: MARTHA NORTHRUP

DEVIL AND THE DEEP SEA

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Devil." 

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

WATCH OUT

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."

OBEDIENT HUBBY

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

SARCASM - NYC Mayor Ed Koch vs. Andrew Kirtzman

after the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

HOW TO IRATE CITIZENS

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in
Washington state. Customers complained about our
postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like
junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills
in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note
printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?" When the customer threw his
bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was, "Coming
Soon! New Larger Bills!"
 
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

HILARIOUS

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later:

"Computer completely dead now."

        Courtesy: Martha Northrup

WITTICISM EVERYONE WILL ENJOY

The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
 
The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
 
When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.
 
 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Sarcastic Repartee

Groucho Marx vs. a contestant on You Bet Your Life, after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

SATIRE YOU WILL ENJOY

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history .....

MAKE IT GRADUAL

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

Famous Repartee - ABRAHAM LINCLON Vs STEPHEN DOUGLAS

after Douglas called him two-faced during a debate

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

2 LANES OR 4 LANES

A man was walking along a deserted beach one day and found a strange looking bottle lying in the sand. He looked up and down the beach and didn't see anyone who might have dropped it, so he decided to open the bottle.

A powerful genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out of his magical cage.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you a wish. BUT, I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I've never been able to go because I cannot stand flying in an airplane, and boats tend to make me claustrophobic. So for my wish, I want a road to be built to Hawaii."

The genie thought about the road for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Just imagine all the pavement needed. No, I'm sorry, but that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then decided on his second choice. The man said, "There IS one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, I'd like to know what makes them tick."

The genie pondered the request for a moment, and finally said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

BE PROUD OF YOUR ORGANISATION

Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes
and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where
you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
 
Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
 
Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days
a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
 
Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or
co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early.
 
Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the
toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.
 
Lunch Break - Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch, as
they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get
five minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
 
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should
be directed elsewhere.
 
 Courtesy: James W.

FOODS ON WHEELS

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

ENJOY - THOMAS REED Vs HENRY CLAY

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

MODERN MEDITATION

I got so excited when my husband expressed interest in my
meditation sessions.
 
"You don't have to close your eyes," I explained. "You can
keep them open and focus on something like a candle or a
spot in front of you."
 
He nodded thoughtfully. "Could it be a TV?"

FAMILY HISTORY

 

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made.."

 Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

 The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from
monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.  I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his."

Courtesy : Martha Northrup


 

NEW TEST MATERIAL

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent
researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our
lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you
switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are
far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so
attached to them. And third, there are some things even a
rat won't do."

CHOOSE UR WORDS CAREFULLY

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young
daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought
it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the
office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell
her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although
usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague
I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat
down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay," she responded. "But I thought it would
be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns,
and I never got to see them!"