Thursday, 31 October 2013

Tech Support - 4

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
paces back.

Customer: OK.

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Roller Skates!

Three guys die and go to heaven.

The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."

St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."

Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"

This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn't perfect, huh?"

St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don't worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."

Third guy too gets the same question.

The guy blushes a bit.

"C'mon," he says. "You know I wasn't the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."

"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don't worry about it. We'll let you have that bicycle over there."

A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.

Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you're driving a Rolls Royce, and everything's great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.

Guy no. 3 says, "That's great! So, what's the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Marketing Director!

When his yacht floundered in heavy seas the blond
radioed the Coast Guard for help. The Coast Guard
radioed back, "What is your position?"

"I'm marketing director of a medium-sized software


_We are in the same biz

The minister waited in line to have his car filled
with gas just before Labor Day weekend. The
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him
toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man,
"I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for
a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."

Monday, 28 October 2013

See the World!

After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days,
I went to the squadron command master chief to complain.
"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but
for the past three months all I've seen is water."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is
covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that.
If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have
joined the Army."

Courtesy: Reader's Digest, "Humor in Uniform"

Sunday, 27 October 2013


"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will walk on your keyboard."

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats
have never forgotten this."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through snow."

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get
back to you later."

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to
a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered
from insomnia."

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats."

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom
of cats is infinitely superior."

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there
to welcome me."

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats."

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends
with strange cats."

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him

Courtesy: BWJokes

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Tech Support - III

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend won at the State

Friday, 25 October 2013

Legal Evil U May Like!

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wanted to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Tech Support - 2

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my coworker do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five asterisks.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013


lose their cool

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.

OLD AUTO MECHANICS never die, they just retire.

OLD BANKERS never die they just lose interest.

OLD BOWLERS never die they just end up in the gutter.

OLD CARDIOLOGISTS never die, they just lose heart.

OLD COWBOYS never die, they just get the boot.
OLD CREDIT CARD USERS never die, they just get

OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull.

OLD DOCTORS never die they just lose their patience.

OLD DRY CLEANERS never die, they just get depressed.

OLD EGYPTIANS never die, they remain in denial.

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Tech Support - Enjoy!!!

Tech Support caller: "Can you give me the
telephone number for Jack?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are
talking about."

"I need to clean my fax machine."

"I still don't understand."

"On page 10 section 5 of the user guide it
clearly says that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now can you
please give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Monday, 21 October 2013

Choosing the right path!

This priest was with a dying man, the priest Whispering firmly, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order, Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Sunday, 20 October 2013


After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her
husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B,
C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,
Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What
about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Courtesy: Janice Beasley.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

"Show him your card!"

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."

In a wise-arse tone the Ag. representative said, "I have the authority of the U.S Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face. "This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."

The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.

Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every angry snort.

The farmer shouted, "Show him your card!''

Friday, 18 October 2013

Can't remember who she was!

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, ' The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!'

The crowd was shocked. He followed up by saying, 'That woman was my mother!'

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, 'The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!'

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out '...and I can't remember who she was!

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Don't go for lab work and cat scan!

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.

After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Labrador sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The doctor handed the man a bill for $400. The dog's owner went crazy and said "$400! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Choco Cake Please!

"Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an old-fashioned
breakfast with eggs, ham, biscuits and grits."

"But, Mommy, you know I don't like eggs."

"You like pancakes don't you?"


"There are eggs in pancakes. You like French toast,


"There are eggs in French toast. There are eggs in a
lot of your favorite foods."

The next morning, Mom asked, "How do you want me to
cook the eggs?"

"In a chocolate cake, please."

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Personal Web Sight!

I had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother
had prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the
chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative
handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and
lightbulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's
the one thing I was too tired to clean!"

"Don't look where?" my brother asked.

"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web

Courtesy: FranCMT2.

Monday, 14 October 2013

Qualities of Men as evaluated by the Women

1. Men are like Laxatives 
They irritate the crap out of you. 

2. Men are like Weather 
Nothing can be done to change 

3. Men are like  Blenders 
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.. 

4. Men are like Commercials 
You can't believe a word they say. 

5. Men are like  Department Stores 
Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 

6. Men are like  Government Bonds 
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

7. Men are like  Mascara 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 

8. Men are like  Popcorn 
They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

9. Men are like Lava Lamps 
Fun to look at, but not very bright. 

10. Men are like  Parking Spots 
All the good ones are taken, the rest are 

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 13 October 2013


A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you
marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I
think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Courtesy: Fran CMT2.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Modern Lexicon!

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes
of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water power

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and everybody disagrees later on

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office: A place where you go to relax after your
strenuous home life

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Laugh And Enjoy Grandpa's Answering Machine

At present we are not at home. If you are one of
our children, dial 1 followed by the order of
"birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with your kids, press 2.

If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

If you want us to wash your clothes and do the
ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here
tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school,
press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or
to deliver it to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, press 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, a
movie or a show, start talking. We are]

Courtesy: Daily Humour

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Laugh heartily - 2

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight

The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because
by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain

I gave up jogging for my health ... when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes!

Courtesy: Arca Max

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Caution! is the word

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and as I
always do I first opened the peephole and asked,
"Who's there?" "UPS, ma'am. I have a package that
needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously.

The delivery man held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break
into your house, I'd probably just use these." And
he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Scientific thoughts!

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the
people there have to live in other places.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still
knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let
them know we know they are there.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a
dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Laugh heartily - 1

Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in
an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy
can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've
forgotten my e-mail password, my address, my mother's
maiden name and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day. I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen, lady ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing. And then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress
are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?!? That's my idea of a perfect day!

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying
a noose around your neck?

Courtesy: Arca Max

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Collected Gems - 9

Overheard in a vision center: "I'm returning
glasses I bought for my husband."

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"He's still not seeing things my way."

"A thousand elephants a year are used to
make ivory keys for pianos."

"It's amazing that big animals can be
trained to do such fine work ..."

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 4

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak
to her and she doesn't speak to me.

"What do you use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

Friday, 4 October 2013

I'm Drunk!

The trooper stops a car that's swerving all over
the road. "Step out of the car. I am going to
need you to take a breathalyzer test."

"I can't. You see, I have very bad asthma, and
blowing into that thing can set off an attack."

"All right. Then you're going to have to take a
blood test."

"I Can’t do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If a
wound is opened I could bleed to death."

"Okay. I will need a urine sample."

"Sorry, I also have diabetes. That could push my
sugar count really low."

"Fine. So just get out of the car and walk a
straight line for me."

"I can't do that either."

"Why in the world not??!"

"Because I’m drunk!"

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 3

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas,
wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Me neither!

Every day when he went to the stable to ride his horse,
John, he would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy,
how's everything today?" before he'd bridle the horse.

One day he started the usual, "Hey there, John ..."
when, to his surprise, the horse interrupted, saying
"For months now, you've been walking in here and
saying, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything
today?' I want you to know I'm sick of it. You never
wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"

With that, the horse took off running. Shocked, the
owner took off after the horse, trying to catch it.
Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a
while the man, exhausted, stopped to rest at the side
of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped
his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came
back, also now breathless, and sat down beside him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk

"Me neither!" said the dog.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Sure way to find parking space!

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand,and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a  stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at  him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."
"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"


Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said,
"I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."


Courtesy: Becky Day.