Monday, 30 September 2013

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 2

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory,
he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon.
My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the
phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

It was love at first sight.
Then I took a second look !!

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Spelling Mistake!

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Sarcastic Grucho Marx - 4

Don't look now, but there's one too many in
this room and I think it's you.


[as Dr. Quackenbush taking a pulse] Either this
man is dead or my watch has stopped.


From the moment I picked your book up until I
laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot
but don't let that fool you. He really is an


How do you feel about women's rights? I like
either side of them.


I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago.
I shot my broker.

Friday, 27 September 2013

What an unique Lover!

A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover ?"

"A lover!!" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov... Lover... Oh, my God!"

She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door.

She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Hilarious Sharp Shooters - 1

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Skip it!

The doctor puts the overweight blonde on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regular meals for two days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for a month. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five

When the blonde returns, she's lost over twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow
my instructions?"

"Yes. I'll tell you, though, Doctor, I thought I was
going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Sarcastic Grucho Marx - 3

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Ice Water? Get some Onions. That'll make your
eyes water!

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live
long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is
missing a lot.

Blood's not thicker than money.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll
be glad to make an exception.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Why want to live long?

I recently started with a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I asked him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine
or hard liquor?

"Oh no. I'm not doing drugs, either."

"Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"Not much ... I try to stay away from red meat."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"

"No, not at all."

"Then why would you want to live to 90?"

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Enjoy Grucho Marx - 2

Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel
the breeze from here!

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage

She got her good looks from her father. He's a
plastic surgeon.

There's only one way to find out if a man is honest:
ask him. If he says yes, you know he's a crook.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I
quit: retire!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I
have others.

Courtesy: BW Jokes

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Another Winter!

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and
asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena
even served them a nice meal at noon time.

The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole,
"Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this
bad news in person instead of by letter."

Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"

The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we
discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in

Ole looked at Lea and said, "That's the best news I have
heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I
don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."


Courtesy: Becky Day.

Friday, 20 September 2013

Lord! Have Mercy! He is going into Politics!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting high time  the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men of his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem  too concerned about it.

 One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an  experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four  objects:

1. A Bible,
2. A silver dollar,

3. A bottle of whiskey,
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he  entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his  books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for  several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his  arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He  uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's  centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher prayed. "He's going into politics!!"

Thursday, 19 September 2013

How each one spoils the other!

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese.


Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like cheddar cheese.


Cheddar cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like bleu cheese but you never bought bleu cheese.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Enjoy Grucho Marx - 1

I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the
library and read a book.

I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my
resignation. I don't care to belong to any club
that will have me as a member.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of
extreme poverty.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How
he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who
wants to live in an institution?

Courtesy:BW Jokes

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Eligible to Bless!

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I've
been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard
where I work."

"How much did you take?"

"Enough to build my own house and my son's house. And
houses for my two daughters and our cottage at the

"This is very serious. I'll have to think of a far-
reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a

"No, Father, I haven't. But if you have the
blueprints, I can get the lumber."

Monday, 16 September 2013

Returned With Thanks!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Collected Gems - 10

Nursery school teacher to class: "If you don't
stop running all over the class, sit quietly
and calm down, I'm going to call the police!"

"Yeah, what's our crime?"

"Resisting a rest."

Irate customer to Post Office clerk: "I went out this
morning and when I came home, I found a card saying
the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was
home. I'll have you know my husband was in all
morning! He never heard a thing!"

"I'm terribly sorry, madam. Here's your package."

"Oh good! We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it, if you don't mind me asking?"

"It's my husband's new hearing aid."

Saturday, 14 September 2013

When Daddy Cooks!

One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."

Friday, 13 September 2013

Collected Gems - 8

Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a
dress for a ridiculous price has actually
bought it for an absurd figure.

When Mother was ill, Father volunteered to go to
the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a
carefully numbered list. Dad returned shortly,
very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
the grocery bags.
 He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three
hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of
crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Not in my life-time

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.
Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?"
God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time."
Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?"
Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid."
Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered quickly and with a firm voice: "Not in my life-time."

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Be ware of loving moms

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a
little old lady following him around. If he
stopped, she stopped. And she kept staring at

 She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease, it's just that you look so much like my
late son."

"That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would
make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she
was on her way out of the store, the man called
out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How could it be so much? I only bought five

"Your Mother said you'd be paying for her
things too."

Courtesy: ArcaMax

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Collected Gems – 7

"I'm shorter now than I was when I was younger."
"Of course you are. After all, you got married and
settled down."

"My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at
a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about
all the bargains you found."
"Normally, yes. But he just broke his leg and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have
it set."

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't
come in when you call, they like to stay out all
night and when they're home they like to be left
alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a
man, they love in a cat.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Who is Stupid!

"For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match."

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Collected Gems – 6

Semiconductors: Part time orchestra leaders or part
time ticket-takers on trains

The attorney's client had been called out of town
and was unable to be present when the jury returned
its verdict in his favor. The lawyer immediately
texted his client, "Justice has triumphed!"
The client texted back, "Appeal at once!"

A Native American walks into a posh restaurant. The
maitre'd greets him at the counter and says, "I'm
terribly sorry sir, but we have no tables available
at this time." "That's okay," replies the Indian,
"I have a reservation."

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
  1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Collected Gems – 5

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."

Fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Protestants:  Worker ants out to overthrow the queen.
Concentrate: A special penny postage rate available
only to prisoners at federal prisons.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Humour is for enjoyment

My family physician told me of an incident that
actually happened to him back in the early days
of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby
to see him, and he determined right away that the
baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for
ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two
drops in right ear every four hours" abbreviating
"right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with
her baby, complaining that the baby still had an
earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and
sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the
instructions on the label as: "Put two drops in
R ear every four hours."

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Collected Gems – 4

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Right Candidate!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look, miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been
divorced three times."


 Courtesy: FranCMT2.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Collected Gems – 3

"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."

Meeting: An event at which minutes are kept and
hours are lost.

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a
vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious
way to get Americans to stop smoking pot.

The New York City Department of Education says that only
26 percent of the city’s students passed the English
portion of a recent standardized test. But on the bright
side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Story of an ingenious Shepherd!

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote
pasture when a brand-new BMW emerges out of a
dust cloud.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you
have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and answers, "Sure,
why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad
and launches the GPS app to get an exact fix
on his location. He feeds that to a NASA
Web site that returns an ultra-high-resolution
photo of the area. The young man opens the
picture in Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email that the
image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an ODBC-
connected spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email and after a few minutes receives a

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 50 page
report on his miniaturized Laser printer. With
the document in hand, he says to the shepherd,
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one
of my sheep."

The young man selects one of the animals and
stuffs it into his car.

The shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if
I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back the animal?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You're a consultant."

"Wow! That's right. How did you guess that?"

"No guessing required. You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew to a question I
never asked; and you don't know anything about
my business. Now can I have my dog back?"