Saturday, 31 August 2013

Collected Gems – 2

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time.  

"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."

Hard work doesn't harm anyone, but I do not want to take any chances.

How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store. 
You prefer gardening to watching television. 
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks. 
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride. 

What do you call two young married spiders?
Newly webs. 

Friday, 30 August 2013

Recruiting A Pilot!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Collected Gems - 1

"I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A Russian magazine is running a contest for the
funniest Putin joke. First prize is twenty years.

Her doctor told my neighbor's wife she could no
longer touch anything alcoholic. So she divorced

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.  

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

These Acronyms will make U laugh

Always off line
It Still Does Nothing
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
System Can't See It
Defective Operating System
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
I Blame Microsoft
Do Expect Cuts
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
Obsolete Soon, Too.
World Wide Wait
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

So Punctual!

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
Sarah decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas
and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and
resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the
doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her

He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two
hours late and she's still not ready?"

Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle

Monday, 26 August 2013

Him! And Him! And Him!

The minister and the church board called a special meeting of the congregation to explain some desperate needs of the building that had to be fixed before winter set in - roof, boiler, etc. "The board approved that we should take a special offering today to get these repairs underway right away. As they pass the plates to you, I promise that the one who gives the greatest offering will be allowed to pick 3 hymns for next week's service."

The plates were passed and brought to the minister, who discovered a $1,000 bill on top. "Oh my!, how wonderful! Who gave this $1,000 bill?"

A little old lady in the back shyly raised her hand. "Oh Mabel, how generous you are! How blessed we are! Come up and let us thank you!"

When Mabel got to the front with all the applause of the congregation, the minister invited her to select the hymns she wanted.

Mabel slowly turned around to face the congregation, stretched out her arm and said, "I pick him! And him! And him! 

Courtesy:Steve Sanderson.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Satairic observations of Oscar Wilde will make u laugh

  • Women are never disarmed by compliments.  Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
  • All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
    No man does.  That's his.
  • Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
  • A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
  • If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it.
  • In married life three is company and two is none.
  • A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
  • Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
  • As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
  • A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, so long as other women are looking on.
  • She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
  • A man's face is his autobiography.  A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Saturday, 24 August 2013


Elementary school test question: "Name the four major

One student's answer: "Listen carefully. Write neatly.
Sit up straight. Raise your hand."

You know, today's appliances just can't compete with the
quality of those made years ago. For example, I've still
got the iron from when I was first married forty years
ago, and there’s not a thing wrong with it. Of course,
it's never been out of the box ...

With all the staff on vacation, the cemetery was able to
manage with a skeleton crew. But it was quite an

It's always sad when poor people try to bring cats along
for space travel. They often can't handle the Cat Astro

I'm sick of those pesky stinging insect mounds in my
yard. I'm considering  a move to the Lesser Antilles.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Laugh at the wisdom !

Two blondes were riding around looking for a place to
have a picnic. One blonde said, "Hey, lets have a
picnic over there under that tree."

"No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road."

They finally decided to have the picnic in the center
of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding
towards them, saw them picnicking on the road directly
ahead, swerved off the road and ran into the tree.

The second blonde said, "See? If we were over there,
we'd be dead right now."

Thursday, 22 August 2013

God Bless U!

May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.

May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.

May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

And the blessing of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator, Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word who is our brother and Saviour, and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you and remain with you, this day and forevermore.


Wednesday, 21 August 2013

How to get better grades!

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her
on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my
daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going
to get a spanking."

Courtesy:Pastor Tim

"Hey, Dad, good news!" "Oh?" "Remember you promised to pay me ten dollars if I passed
"Yes ... ?" "Well, I spared you the expense!"

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Why God Never Received Tenure

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was in Hebrew.
  3. It had no references.
  4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
  5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
  6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
  9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
  11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Monday, 19 August 2013

Enjoy the Satire

Studies show American students are becoming less
proficient in math. Experts say we should have
seen this coming, but nobody could put two and
two together.

 Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your "X".

She's never coming back.

And don't ask "Y".

My dental appointment was two weeks after my husband's,
and our dentist noticed that we had both needed work on
the same tooth.

"He and I have a lot in common after 32 years of
marriage," I said.

"But this is more than a coincidence," the dentist
noted. "It must be dental telepathy."

  Q: What's the difference between an etymologist\
and an entomologist?

A: The etymologist knows the difference

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Do U like Satire - Last Part

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport ~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
Courtesy : Martha Northrup

Saturday, 17 August 2013

How to enjoy satire!

"What's the quickest way to town?"
"Are you walking or driving?"
"That's the quickest way."

Texas Governor Rick Perry is considering calling a
special session of the legislature to aid enticing
businesses to move to Texas by repealing Ohm's law.
Texas political analysts predict it will pass with
very little resistance. (Stan Kegel)

"You're back early. I thought you went to the
"I did."
"But you told me you were broke."
"I am. I just made mental bets."
"How did you do?"
"I lost my mind."(Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)

Blonde 911 caller: "My water broke!"
"Stay calm. Now, how far apart are your contractions?"
"No contractions, but my basement is flooding fast!"

A botanist working in South America claims to have
discovered a nomadic tree. It just packs up its
trunk and leaves.

The minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had
sent to him via an usher. The note read, "Bill Jones
having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of
the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his
audience by announcing, "Bill Jones, having gone to
see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation
for his safety."

A blonde walks into a donut shop. "Excuse me, miss.
How many cups of coffee will this Thermos hold?"
"I think it's a five cup Thermos."
"Great! Give me two black and three cream and sugar."

Daily Humour



Friday, 16 August 2013

Irrefutable Proof Of Your Maturity!

Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Six AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up"
and "break up."

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed

You're the one calling the police because those kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes
around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments
go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again as long
as I live."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for work.

You drink at home to save money before going to
a bar.


Thursday, 15 August 2013

Discovery Of The Century!

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. In the
presence of a tiny amount of Governmentium, a
reaction that would normally take less than a second
can take between four days and four years to

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six
years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"critical morass."


Courtesy: BWJokes

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Do U like Satire - Part 3

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Humourus Hearing!

My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.
Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail


While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a old transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none. Makes people talk louder." 


During a medical assessment before moving into a retirement home, a nurse asked my grandparents, "Do you need hearing aids?"
"Yes," my grandmother answered. "But he doesn't like his, never wears it and leaves it at home."

Then she added, "I always carry mine in my purse."


One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."




Monday, 12 August 2013

Happy Birthday!

A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get." 

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


Sunday, 11 August 2013

Hair Cuts can be messy!

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.


The supervisor of my work section recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged guy like me appear?" I asked, trying to stump him.

"Still employed," was his answer.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest,
chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road
or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon
your frame of reference.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken
cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the
road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste
to observe the chicken crossing?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying

Bashar al-Assad: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on it.

Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you
can either observe the chicken or you can measure its
speed, but you cannot do both.

Jean Foucault: It didn't. The rotation of the earth made
it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.

Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.

Volta: The other side had more potential.

Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in
which the same chicken is in differing stages of
crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has
completed crossing the road do their avian functions

Courtesy: Arcamax

Friday, 9 August 2013

Nuggets that might make U laugh

Dogma: A puppy's mom

Gardening: A labor that begins with daybreak and ends
with backbreak.

Q: What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?  
A: Outlaws are wanted.

"In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art
criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to
come across long passages which are almost completely
lacking in meaning."(George Orwell)


Thursday, 8 August 2013

Do U like Satire - Part 2

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Laugh as U enjoy the Humour

A paramedic was being interviewed on
TV. "What was your most unusual and
challenging 9-1-1 call?"

"Recently we got a call from the church
at 11th and Walnut. A frantic usher was
very concerned that during the sermon an
elderly man passed out in a pew and
appeared to be dead. The usher could find
no pulse and there was no noticeable

"What was so unusual and demanding about
this particular call?"

"We carried out four guys before we found
the one who was dead."

"You look glum. Whats wrong?"
"They called in a management team and gave
everyone in the office an aptitude test to
see what they were best suited for."

"Yeah, so what's the problem with that?"

"It turns out that I am best suited for

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Funs Galore


Those who live by the sword get shot by
those who don't.


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently
talented fool.


The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a
50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it


If the shoe fits, get another one just
like it.


The things that come to those who wait
may be the things left by those who got
there first.

Monday, 5 August 2013

Do U Like Satire - Part 1

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 4 August 2013


2 guys talking...

Man 1: My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!

Man 2: My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last 50 cents you're going to die of liver problems.

Saturday, 3 August 2013


Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

Friday, 2 August 2013

Funny quips

  • Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.
  • I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal 
  • flush and five people died.
  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
  • I spilled 'Spot' remover on my dog.  Now he's disappeared.
  • Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
  • Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.
  • Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar territory.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

What is ?

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"

Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"

Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?

And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"

Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the meat shortage?"

And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"