Thursday, 28 March 2013

Great Minds!

Billy and Bubba, two farmers from a small town outside of
Little Rock, Arkansas, were walking home together after each
had purchased a pig. Billy said to Bubba, "How are we going
to tell them apart?"

Bubba answered, "We'll cut the left ear off of your pig."
And so they did.

After a while, the pigs got into a fight and they had bitten
off each others ears. Billy asked, "Now what are we going to

"Well, how about if we cut the tail off of my pig?" Bubba

"That sounds like a good plan to me," Billy agreed.

A little while later, the pigs got into another fight, and
when it was over, they were both missing their tails.

"What will we do now?" Bubba asked Billy.

After giving it some thought, Billy replied, "Well, we could
cut the leg off of yours."

"That's not humane!" Bubba cried.

So after some more thought, Billy said, "Well, let's do
this. We'll just call the white one yours and the black one

Wednesday, 27 March 2013


I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.
There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Last Wisdom!

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 3

When a clock is hungry .  .  .  it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine .  .  .  was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory .  .  .  which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be .  .  .  exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, .  .  .  she thought she'd dye.

If you don't pay your exorcist .  .  .  you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name .  .  .  and a dress.

A bicycle can't stand alone; .  .  .  it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . it's your Count that votes.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 22 March 2013

Enjoy The Humour And Satire

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Courtesy: Lisa Fisch.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 2

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you .  .  .
A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if .  .  .  you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : .  .  .  the LAN down under.

A boiled egg is .  .  .  hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center .  .  .  you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was ... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?  .  .  .
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could .  .  .  jog your memory.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 16 March 2013

The Economy is So Bad

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to
share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by
Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds,
etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in
Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all
excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Courtesy:  Janice Beasley.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Lexophiles will enjoy - Part 1

To write with a broken pencil is .  .  .  pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes .  .  .  take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar .  .  .  got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles .  .  .  U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes .  .  .  was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out .  .  .  free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  .  .  they fought tooth and nail.

A will is a .  .  .  dead giveaway.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Ended in a Tie!

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Your True Friend!

It can buy you a House
But not a Home

It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy you a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain
and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your
Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend you will never find

Courtesy:  Thomas S. Ellsworth.

Monday, 11 March 2013

So Generous

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. 

The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

 "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

Sunday, 10 March 2013


One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went.....
'Change course 10 degrees South.'
The reply was quickly flashed back...
'You change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....
'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'
Back came the reply....
'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'
The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'
Back came the reply.......
'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Wonderful vision!

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked.
Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
"Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you're aloft?"
"Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don't see how you land!"
"Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

Courtesy: Aaron Endelman

Friday, 8 March 2013

Was Not There Yesterday!

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.

As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."

Thursday, 7 March 2013


Grandma & Grampa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, Grandma - I'm gonna' head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?"
"Sure, Grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget." replies Grandma.
"I will not!" retorts Grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too."
"OK," says Grandma, "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna' forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacaphonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.
"See there, Grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides Grandma.
"Whaddya' mean, 'forget,' Grandma? What did I forget?" demands Grandpa.
"You fool," says Grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Express Wish!

I work in a personnel office with the government in
Washington, DC, reviewing applications for federal

The standard form includes the question, "Why did you leave
your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The
express wish of 116,000 voters."

Courtesy:  Thomas Ellsworth.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

I Like The Way U Think

This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher.
Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!"

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Dirt Cheap!

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out,"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the   preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, 
I haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the    water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
 kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 1 March 2013


Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."