Thursday, 28 February 2013

Benefits of Prayer!

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New
York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I
don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

 

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation
always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

 

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
 

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's
taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

 

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

QUALITY ASSURANCE!

PIPING SPECIFICATIONS

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
 All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular.
All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.
Outer-diameter of all pipes must exceed the inner-diameter. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.
All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the jobsites.
All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
All pipe over two miles in length must also have these words painted on the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.
All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it, so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipes become crooked pipes.

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Bullets in short supply

An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.

"What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs "Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an outburst like that only a few years ago"--and he points an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat again?"

"It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."

Monday, 25 February 2013

Enjoy The Humour

In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

Sunday, 24 February 2013

MEET THE FAMILY OF TATES

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our organization?
 

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything, while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.
 

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help rom her husband, IRRI TATE.
 

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.
 

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.
 

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.
 

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand.
 

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.
 

 Courtesy: Donna Eaker

Saturday, 23 February 2013

SARCASTIC REPARTEE

Miriam Hopkins vs. an anonymous singer


Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 22 February 2013

LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE!

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good

Thursday, 21 February 2013

A WIFE AND A FAMILY!

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Too Hungry!

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him, "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
 

The guru replies, "I'm feeling rather hungry right now.
You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

 

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Improve the environment

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a
trash basket at my church and posted above it this
suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."

 

I should have been a little more specific, because when I
went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But
it was full of water.

 

 Courtesy: Mahmood Jawaid (via Reader's Digest)

Monday, 18 February 2013

21 Reasons Why English Is Hard To Learn – Last Part



  1. The insurance was invalid for the invalid
  2. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row
  3. They were too close to the door to close it
  4. The buck does funny things when does are present
  5. A seamstress and a sewer fell down in a sewer line
  6. To help with planting a farmer taught his sow to sow
  7. The wind was too strong to wind the sail
  8. After a number of injections my jaw got number
  9. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear
  10. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
  11. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Sunday, 17 February 2013

21 Reasons Why English Is Hard To Learn – Part 1


  1. The bandage was wound around the wound
  2. The farm was used to produce produce
  3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert
  7. Since there was no time like the present he thought it was time to present the present
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes
  10. I did not object to the object

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Pedestrians

My husband works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base,
and many of his co-workers complain about the superior
attitude of the pilots.

 

One day the fuel guys decided to put things in perspective
for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts
inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."

 

 Courtesy: Amber Anderson (via Reader's Digest)

Friday, 15 February 2013

LAUGH AND ENJOY THE HUMOUR



A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy.
-- ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?''
-- ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.''
So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross.
-- ``What are these crosses?''
-- ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc (Agriculture).'''

Thursday, 14 February 2013

AMAZING AND HILARIOUS IF TRUE - LAST PART


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."  (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it for months.  Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."  (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

What A Loving Wife!

NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs,but report any sightings to their nearest police station.
 

NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.
 


When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago.'"
 

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

SARCASTIC HUMOUR ON POLITICS



During his recent visit to the UK Mikhail Gorbachev was taken on a tour of a typical British factory by the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher.
The tour started at 9:00 am and the factory was just starting to fill with employees...
GORBY: "What these people do?"
MAGGIE: "Oh, they are just starting work!"
GORBY: "AAAARRggghhh! In Russia, start at 5:00 am"
So, they walk around for a while, viewing some machinery and at 10:30 a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave.
G: "Where they go?"
M: "Oh, it is morning tea time. They have a break for 20 minutes."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! In Russia, no morning tea."
At 12:00 noon the two VIP's are viewing plans for a new factory and a hooter sounds and the factory workers leave, again.
G: "Where they go now?"
M: "Oh, it is lunch time. They take a break for an hour."
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! One hour. In Russia, is ten minutes lunch."
At precisely 2:15 pm a hooter sounds, and again the workers leave the factory.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break, nyet?"
M: "Yes, another break. They get 20 minutes afternoon smoke!"
At 4:30 pm another hooter sounds and the factory grinds to a halt.
G: "AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break?"
M: "No, they've finished for the day."
G: "In Russia start at 5:00 am, no breaks, ten minutes lunch, no breaks, work till 7:00 pm at night. Right through, no breaks. Why you not make them work harder?"
M: "Oh, we can't do that!"
G: "Why you can't make them work harder?"
M: "Because they're all communists."

Monday, 11 February 2013

LAUGH AND ENJOY

"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to
the little boy while holding out her hand.

 

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
 

 
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you
really expect me to believe that?"

 

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had
to force him, but he ate it!"

 

 Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

WITTICISM EVERYBODY WILL ENJOY

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, We re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?

The first guy said that he wasn t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.
 

The pro said, Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? The Priest said, Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I' ll marry them.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 9 February 2013

AMAZING AND HILARIOUS IF TRUE - PART 1


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :  

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."  (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 8 February 2013

HUMOUR LACED WITH WITTICISM

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Thursday, 7 February 2013

HILARIOUS

Mechanical Engineers vs. Civil Engineers 
 

Q: What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers?

 

A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build
targets.

 

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

HILARIOUS ANECDOTE TO EVOKE A HEARTY LAUGHTER



Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.

Monday, 4 February 2013

CAUTION! INTERNET ADDICTION IS TERMINAL

Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the Internet is an addictive agent that is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.
 

However, researchers go on to say that the Internet is
actually much more dangerous than these addictive
substances, since it is a terminal addiction.

 

 Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

KEEP THEM IN GOOD HUMOR



"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." 

Women are Angels

And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly . . . usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

      Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Saturday, 2 February 2013

HUMOROUS HEADLINES TO EVOKE LAUGHTER

Readers of New York magazine were asked to submit made-up headlines for tabloid newspapers.

Some of the suggestions:

"Dog Missing Since 1940 Returns, Bites Master"
 

"I Found Danny DeVito's Head in a Dumpster"
 

"Satanic Messages in Nintendo Imperil our Youth"
 

"Sky-diving Mom Gives Birth During Free-Fall"
 

"Your Remote Control Could Launch Nuclear Weapons"
 

"Man Held in Shooting Death of Own Siamese Twin"
 

"Cocker Spaniel Shoots Intruder, Calls 911 to Save Master"
 

"Infant Grows Sideburns During Visit to Graceland"
 

"Aliens Reconstruct Berlin Wall"

Friday, 1 February 2013

LAUGH AND LEARN HOW TO SAVE

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he'll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. 

His eventual response:

"Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I'll give you two dollars. Everybody wins."