One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. Hisnephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.
"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman." Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes.
Excellent condition. $500 or best offer.
Reason for sale: No longer required. Son turned fourteen
last week. Now knows everything. Courtesy: ArcaMax Jokes.
A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, hadcar trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the nightwith a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I onlyhave room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in thebarn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in thedesert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in thebarn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others beddeddown for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmeropened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the
barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes thatis an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a fewminutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock onthe door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your
helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my
country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holyground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He
grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little
boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello." Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?" Boy: (whisper) "Yes." Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?" Boy: (whisper) "She's busy." Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?" Boy: (whisper) "Yes." Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?" Boy: (whisper) "He's busy." Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?" Boy: (whisper) "The fire department." Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?" Boy: (whisper) "They're busy." Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?" Boy: (whisper) "The police department." Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?" Boy: (whisper) "They're busy." Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?" Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and
a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against
one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly
right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one
up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double
or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You
are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how
did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting
the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA,
they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to
a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read:
>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.
A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client Collected:
A 75-year-old woman went into life or death surgery, and she wasn't sure she would make it through. During the surgery,she had a vision. She saw and spoke to God. She asked him,"How much time do I have to live?"
He said, "You have 35 years left."
So that following year she had all kinds of cosmetic
surgery. She had face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped,liposuction -- she completely did herself over. She figuredas long as she was going to live another 35 years, she wasgoing to look young again. After all these were done and shewas discharged from the hospital, she was hit by a cab andwas killed instantly.
When she entered eternity she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years.Why did you let that cab hit me?"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental
health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would
you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top
of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59
and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of
your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which
you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began,
her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help
him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive)
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.
Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no
longer angry at United.
In theory the difference between practice and theory is due to
practical considerations that theorists find it impractical to fit into
In practice, theory uses the practice of theorising about practical
matters, while not noticing that the theoretical method practically
distorts the theory beyond application to practice.
Theoretically then the practical facts are that the theory is in
practice good for predicting what happens in theory, but impractical as
a theory with direct implications for practice, except where theory
states that the practice is sufficiently close to the theory to make
any difference for all practical purposes theoreticaly zero.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.
NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary i which is supposed to mean lung-disease; pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants
to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests
a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
dried, and put away; the counter tops cleaned; the
appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The
carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted;
the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The
man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've
ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no
centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty
minutes later, no centipede.
By this point, the man is wondering what's going on. So he
goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede
sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45
minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?"
The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting
on my shoes!"
Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamt of ending world hunger.
After years of research, his hard work paid off. He
developed a strain of peas that would grow virtually
anywhere. It grew fast, kept long without spoiling, and was
more nutritious than even soybeans. He was an instant hero,
There were awards and parades, and naturally the new strain
of peas was named Noble. After enjoying the fame and fortune
for a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more, so he
established a fund to award a monetary prize each year to
botanists and horticulturists who were making significant
contributions to their fields.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number One. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a Patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important Thing
is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom Look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and Didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you Were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was Really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long Time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each Of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we Loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get Married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean We're bastards?"
I was driving down the interstate in a rural area when a
chicken passed me doing 65 mph. I sped up and passed the
chicken. A few minutes later, the same bird passed me again;
this time he was doing 75 mph. Startled, I floored the
accelerator, got my car up to 85, and blew by the bird, for
good I thought. But sure enough, five minutes later he went
by me again. This time he passed me at 95 mph and made a
right turn off the freeway onto a farm next to the
I immediately exited and drove up to the farmhouse and
knocked on the door. When the farmer opened the door, I told
the farmer of my experience with his speedy poultry and he
told me, "Oh, that must be one of my three-legged chickens!"
I asked, "How did you end up with three-legged chickens?"
He responded, "I have nine children. They all love
drumsticks, so I bred three-legged chickens to keep my kids
It sounded logical to me, so I curiously asked, "How do they
The farmer answered, "Don't know -- can't catch 'em!"
The men to a large metal door and handedHim a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Sometimes when I reflect back
on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work
and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people
who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day."
"When I read about the
evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think
~ Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no
sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
~ Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
~ Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
~ Dave Barry
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of
Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter
after a few beers."