Thursday, 29 November 2012


Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

 LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.  

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

 WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 

 BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.  

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. My favorite...

. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup 

Monday, 26 November 2012

The original computer!!!

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

 A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 

Courtesy : Martha Northrup

Saturday, 24 November 2012


If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people, who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~
 John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from  the other. ~
 Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ 
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
 ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians
~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
 ~ Doug Larson

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Senators.
 ~ Will Rogers

Thursday, 22 November 2012


A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes
quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief

asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of

undercover crops."

Courtesy:Stan Kegel.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012


My parents are both busy professional people and have
trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On
weekends they each make a list of things to be done.
Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's
always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the

chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it

Courtesy: Thomas Ellsworth.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Now Blond Men - II

 A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
 "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

 A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
 His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 "Here boy!" he replies.

 A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
 "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
 "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

 An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."  
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 16 November 2012

Now Blond Men !

 A friend told a blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
 One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
 A blond man  is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
 He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
  A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
 The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. 
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Dear All

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma stinks.
The Titanic

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo!
it." Just saying...

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Dear Batman,

What was your power again?

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there
because some Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got
a little busy, OK?
The Mayans

 Courtesy: nat.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Win 2 Lose

The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew
to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The
decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how
unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of
car wheels in less than four seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races
are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would
thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only

were the lads changing the tires in under four seconds, but
within another ten seconds had also repainted, renumbered,
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.

 Courtesy: Steve Sanderson.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Kept Him Awake

Two CPAs were returning home from a client meeting. They
took the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were
occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty tax problem
that had been the subject of their client meeting through
takeoff and meal service.

Finally, one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to

trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one CPA said to the other that it was

the first time a tax discussion ever kept anyone awake.
 Courtesy: Clean-Laffs.

Monday, 12 November 2012

Simply Hilarious

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read:
'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it.

One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Courtesy: Martha Northrup 

Friday, 9 November 2012

Brief Blond Blurbs

 Two blondes living in the Midwest were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly..
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' 

Courtesy: Randy C.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Too Impressive !

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank
and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the

menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a

fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man
confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."


 Courtesy: Doc's Daily Chuckle.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Facts R Sometimes Funny - II

  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  • Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
  • Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
  • Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
    A. One thousand
  • Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
    A. All were invented by women.
  • Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
  • Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' ... It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
  • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramiccups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Amusing People - II

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Monday, 5 November 2012

Amusing People

 I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of  L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Some More Blonde Blurbs

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Hilarious Comments U Will Enjoy

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact, you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9.Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his fiancee takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
Courtesy: Martha Northrup

Friday, 2 November 2012

Virtues Of An Avid Golfer

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband
calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,
is it?

Courtesy : Martha Northrup

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Mother of all Blunders

It seems that a young man volunteered for Navy service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot
camp. The very first day at Pensacola, he soloed and was the
best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his
gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier
in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly

shot down six Japanese zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000
ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all
down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he
descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect
landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to

the captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, sir, how did
I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one

velly impoltant mistake!"

Courtesy: Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.